Lessons in the Colour Transparent 2

She walks into the bar, eyes bright and full of purpose. She’s wearing her best smile and the outfit she bought last week. She sits daintily on a bar stool and signals the bartender:
“Can I get a martini honey? And don’t be shy with the Gin,” she says with a light laugh and wink. The bartender mixes her drink and places it in front of her. She immediately fishes out the olive with her tongue and chews it slowly, savouring the taste.
“Mmm is it even a Martini if there isn’t an olive?” The bartender chuckles and places another in her cocktail. She smiles at him and casually swings the bar stool as her eyes scan the room. She never knows what she’s looking for but she always knows when she finds it. And tonight she finds it. She smiles slowly and turns around to face the bar again. She feels his energy as he approaches her and she knows the very moment he is standing behind. He signals the bartender:
“Can I get another Martini for the lady?”
“Who says I’m a lady?”
“Actually that’s the name of the cocktail.” He turns to her and smiles.
“That’s cute but I come here all the time and I’ve never heard of that particular mix.”
Just as she finishes speaking the bartender brings over a cocktail and places it in front of the man:
“One Martini for the Lady. Will that be all sir?”
She rolls her eyes and he gives a little chuckle.
“Of course” she says, voice dripping with sarcasm.
“I hate to say I told you so but…” he shrugs his shoulders and smiles at her. She rolls her eyes again but she’s smiling.
“I bet you’re just the type to love saying I told you so.”
“You’re right about that.”
He half sits on the bar stool next to hers and leans into her.
“So here’s the thing. I think you’re extremely attractive, and I find you intriguing. I’d like to get you tipsy enough to make some bad decisions but not so tipsy you regret them in the morning. Then I’d like to take you home with me but I’m a reasonable guy. I’m always open to other suggestions.”
He grins at her and it’s all teeth.
“Well aren’t you bold. I’m not sure if you’re rude or just really, really stupid.”
“I’m neither.”
“Really now? So what would you call it?”
“Transparency?”
She raises her eyebrow at him and tilts her head slightly,
“You’re an interesting one aren’t you?”
“So we agree then.”
She smiles and shakes her head,
“I bet your girlfriend thinks you’re hilarious.”
“She really does.”
“Ahh so you do have a girl.”
“I do. A lovely girl but not nearly as interesting as you probably are.”
“Just like a man, always out to find the next best thing huh.”
“Hey, at least I’m straight up. Isn’t that what you women want? Honesty?”
He takes his glass and raises it to his lips. He downs the contents in one gulp and places the glass back down on the counter.
“You’re right. We do want honesty…but we also want respect. You go find that lovely girlfriend of yours and be a better boyfriend.”
She raises her empty glass in a salute to the bartender then turns and smiles at her companion before patting his cheek. She slides off the bar stool, adjusts her skirt and turns to leave. He watches her, shakes his head and lets out a sound in appreciation of her silhouette.  He turns to the bartender and orders another drink. He gives him a thankful nod and casually swings the bar stool as he eyes scan the room. He never knows what he’s looking for but he always knows when he finds it. And tonight he finds it. He smiles slowly and turns around to face the bar again. He feels her energy as she approaches him and he knows the very moment she is standing behind.
“Looks like you struck out just now.”
“Maybe she struck out.”
“A gorgeous girl like that? I doubt it.”
She leans on the bar and positions herself so she’s facing him.
“Well, let’s say you’re right and I did strike out. That means something is probably wrong with my game. So the question is…why are you over here?”
“Maybe I’m a little curious as to why you struck out?”
“Well that’s easy. Transparency.”

Lessons in the Colour Transparent

     She walks into the coffee shop, eyes lowered and shoulders slumped. She makes her way to the counter and orders her usual: one large, black coffee. She thanks the Barista and makes her way to “her” seat. She’s so intent on avoiding eye contact that she doesn’t realise someone is already there. Her eyes open wide as she stares at the crop of kinky-curly black hair spilling from the cap hovering above the table. She slides into the seat across, slightly annoyed, and clears her throat.
“Ahem.”
The hair doesn’t even stir. She frowns slightly.
“Excuse me?”
Still, nothing. She reaches over and taps the hat. The figure leans back making her gasp. There is nothing there. Just a floating hat with hair; yet she can hear the steady breathing of what should be a person sitting across from her at the table; yet she feels their presence. She looks around and wonders if anyone else can see(or not see) what she has just discovered. Just then a waitress walks over with a glass of lemonade and places it on the table in front of the hat.
“Here you go sweetie. On the house.”
She smiles and pats the hat before she turns around and walks away.
‘Was she nuts? Did this bitch know she was patting air? Maybe I’m the one who’s crazy…’
So many thought run through her mind as she fixes her eyes at the space before her, but she’s not really seeing. Not that there’s anything to see in the first place.
“It’s okay.”
      She jumps at the voice and instinctively looks left and right for its origin.
“I’m sorry if I scared you. But you’re not crazy.”
She stares at the space in front of her not knowing what to think.
“You’re not crazy,” the voice repeats. “I’m just invisible.”
She frowns and says, “Are you psychic as well as invisible? How did you know that was what I was thinking?”
He chuckles and she’s surprised to find she actually likes it.
“No, it’s your face. You can’t hide anything you’re thinking.”
“Oh really? So what am I thinking now?”
“You’re wondering if I’m invisible, what on earth am I doing here, which is actually not the question you probably should be asking. The better question would be, why am I invisible?”
He’s right. She can feel his wry smile from across the table and she lets out a little sniff.
“Ah…I can see I’m right…and you don’t like to be wrong. Correct?”
“Great…I’m getting a therapy session from the Invisible Man,” she says, rolling her eyes and giving a little laugh of disbelief.
“The Invisible Man. How original.”
“Oh shut up.”
He lifts his glass of lemonade to his mouth and she watches with interest as the contents of the floating glass disappear into seemingly nothing.
      “Okay. I’ll bite. Why are you invisible?”
He’s silent for a while as if he’s thinking.
“Have you ever read The Metamorphosis?”
“Kafka? Sure. Years ago.”
“Samsa was human and one morning he just woke up this giant insect thing. It’s kind of like that for me too. One night I went to bed normal and the next morning I woke up like this.”
Her lips twitch and she tries to stifle the smile that threatens to break across her face.
“I don’t think that’s what Yonce meant when she made Flawless.”
He lets out a chuckle.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“Didn’t you go to anyone? A doctor, scientist…magician?”
“A magician? Really?”
She shrugs her shoulders and rolls her eyes.
“Hey…they make things disappear all the time. Maybe they can do it in reverse.”
“Well that’s certainly one I’ve never heard before. I’ll be sure to call up David Blaine and ask for his help.”
She knows he’s rolling his eyes and it makes her smile. As she speaks to him she feels an incredible connection with him. Up to this point they had led very similar lives. Both only children, both ridiculously intelligent, both had very few friends when they were younger and even fewer now, both had jobs which they were over-qualified for, both alone.
     As she sits comparing their identical lives, she finally realises. She’s invisible too. Her parents were dead and she had no best friend, no boyfriend, no one to worry about her when she’s ill, no one to say I love you to…no one to cry if she disappears. The parallels which at first make her feel so comfortable are now making her disgusted. She hadn’t been living, only existing. She’s unaware that he’s stopped speaking and is now looking at her intently. She begins to gather up her things.
“Leaving already?”
She jumps a little as his voice breaks her reverie.
“Umm…yeah…there’s some stuff that I…that I need to handle.”
“Alright. Maybe I’ll see you around then.”
She looks in his direction and smiles.
“Not if I can help it.”
She makes her way to the exit and walks into the crowded street outside. He smiles to himself as he lifts his glass to his lips. How sweet.

The Game

3 a.m. calls, clandestine meets in the dark
Tentative touches and smiles in the bar
Hidden exchanges, messages in plain sight
Talks on the phone until you see the sunlight
You tell lies and excuses to cover your tracks
All the while she sits there ignoring the facts
Cause she can’t imagine life with no you
But you’ve already moved on to girl number 2
Sometimes you try to put the blame on me
And I can’t figure out why you can’t see
Decisions we make are always at us
You were the one to forfeit your trust
I’d be lying if I said I was sorry.

3 a.m. calls, clandestine meets in the dark
Tentative touches and smiles in the bar
Hidden exchanges, messages in plain sight
Talks on the phone until I see the sunlight
My mind invaded by thoughts of him
The moon is out and the lights are dim
A love that could surpass the seas
If only there was no you and me
Chemistry so strong that I can’t deny
You leave me always feeling high
But I know decisions we make are at us
Can’t decide if this is a want or a must
And I still can’t say that I’m sorry.

Shitless

   This is the 3rd time you've thrown up for the morning. In the pit of your stomach you have a bad feeling about this. But that just might be the Chinese food you had as a midnight snack last night. Never eat two day old leftovers especially if it's Chinese. That's it definitely. Food poisoning. "Food poisoning?" The little voice in your head snorts. You decide to ignore it. 
   You resolve you'll skip class today and head straight for the pharmacy. A quick shower and outfit change later and you're standing in front of the pharmacist, edgy and twitching because you believe the he's judging you, but really he could give less of shit, cause let's face it. A 65 year old pharmacist has pretty much seen it all. You purchase the pregnancy test. Actually you bought 10. So...tests.
    You're sitting now on the bathroom floor. It's cold and extremely wet. Your roommate never could quite master the act of moping up after her showers. Your shorts are soaked right through but you don't seem to notice. You throw up for the 10th time today. The test sits on the edge of the bathroom sink. What really is 2 minutes feels like an eternity. The alarm on your phone startles you and you jump. You're hardly ever afraid but today you're scared shitless. You slowly stand and make your way over to the sink. A thousand thoughts race through your mind and none of them make any sense. You close your eyes tightly and take a deep breath then slowly exhale. Here goes nothing. In fact, here goes everything. You take up the stick and stare at it.
    This is how your roommate finds you when she comes home from class; sitting on the toilet, staring at the stick. "Holy shit! Are you...?" She snatches it from your hand then lets out a sigh of relief. "Oh it's 1 line. You are so lucky." She places it back down on the sink. "Hey what's wrong with you? Shouldn't you be doing back flips or something right now? Hello?" She lets out an exasperated sigh and leaves the bathroom, shaking her head and mumbling something about white chicks are crazy.
    You sit there knowing she's right. You wonder if something really is wrong with you. Maybe you really are crazy. Because you can't quite seem to shake the little pang of disappointment in the pit of your stomach. You throw up for the 23rd time today.

In a Timing

There will come a time when we cease to exist.
I'll almost remember that time when we almost did that thing;
I'll forget all the bad times; all the arguments,
"We never used to fight"
I'll say fondly when someone asks of you.
I'll only remember your touch and your smile,
2 a.m conversations that ended in 5 a.m sex.
Or should I say love making.......
Was it really though...love?
It must have been.
Why else don't I remember all the bad times, all the arguments?
I only think of your wit and your off-table humor.
It must have been!
Because I remember long walks after hours to your place in the dark-
Corridor lights flickering on and off-
Blinds wide open for the world to see our silhouettes entangled Just like our hearts,
Or maybe just mine...
What was his name again?
Every time I'll have to try just a little harder to think what it was,
Dive a little deeper just to resurface with a picture of your face.

There will come a time when we cease to exist,
And at that time I'll call you perfect.

Foreign

I haven't written in such a long time that I feel somewhat hesitant about the way I'm about to word this so I apologize in advance if this isn't like my regular stuff. But just keep with me for a while. Some of you might or might not know I about a month ago I moved half way across the world to study in China. I've never ever before traveled so far and on my own nonetheless. Everything here is so new and exciting but it's also very very lonely. I didn't think I'd miss home so much but I do and I think about it everyday though I really am enjoying myself over here. There's a lot I have to say but I think this is the best way to put it right now. Thank you guys for reading and waiting on me for a while. I'm back though. And hopefully better.


在国家 I often felt alone
I was surrounded by so much love
That it suffocated me and I never knew
How to feel

在国家 I found a group of people
Who make being far away unbearable
I miss them a lot.

在国家 I was a part of something
Even if I didn't realize it at the time
It's lonely here
And as much as I would like to
I admit that I miss home

在国家 I was somebody
And here I am no one
I know it's up to me to change that
And I'm definitely up for the challenge
That doesn't make it easy though

在国家I know they miss me too
They tell me everyday
And that helps a lot
Social Networks are a bitch by the way

I've never felt so alone
I've never felt so strange
I've never felt so new
I've never felt so foreign.

你是哪国人？
I freeze because I don't know what to say
I'm from the place where the clear skies make your day
And the rain makes you happy and sad all at the same time
The sands feel like home and the sea your comfort
The sun is your best friend and worst enemy but you love it
The people are too friendly sometimes but that's okay
Where pleasure is the preferred method of payment
Laughter's a close second.
Where I buried the best man to ever be in my life
And found the one that was just a month too late
Where I found a boy who I'd do anything for
And a girl who's innocence makes me smile
Another who shows me unconditional support
And one who makes me laugh no matter what mood I'm in
And another who knows my soul for what it is.
But then I just smile and answer.
我是巴巴多斯人。

Two Shots

      The doorbell was ringing. It took all my strength to make my way to the door, my lethargy being at its highest. The ringing continued until I was right before the door with my hand outstretched to turn the handle and then it stopped. I hesitated for a second before shrugging and opened it. And there it was. A simple cardboard box. One of those ones you see in offices where you assembled them yourself. White and completely void of any writing or print. I frowned not remembering having ordered anything in the past couple of weeks; even months. I bent over and lifted it then quickly let it fall. It was heavier than I had estimated.  I steadied myself and tried again grunting over the strain of the weight. I used my foot to open up the door a little more so I could get through and carried the heavy box to the dining room table. Setting it down I moved back to close the front door. The telephone rang 6 times before it went to voicemail. “Hey it’s me. Haven’t heard you in a while and I’m just checking in...so...yeah. Give me call when you can. Bye!” The television was still on and the laugh track on the obnoxious sitcom was loud in my ears. Same day. Same sequence. I was getting real tired of doing this every day. Only the box was different. Oh right, the box. I moved to the kitchen and found a knife to cut it open then went into the dining room. It was pretty big. Large enough to hold a gaming console or a designer bag none of which I had purchased. I frowned again and started to cut it open, folding the flaps back.

    Dark, bare, smooth, shiny, stiff, cold. It was a boy. He looked to be about 4 or 5 which would explain why he so easily fit inside. He was positioned how I imagine a fetus lies in its mother’s womb; with his knees tucked up to his chest and his hands curled under his chin. His eyes were closed and his lips slightly apart. He could’ve been asleep except for the fact that he wasn’t.  Skin so clean and unmarked that I almost thought he was a doll. No being could be this perfect. I stared into the box for minutes before I moved, arms shaking I lifted him. My eyes traced his little face tenderly and I could feel warmth originating from the soles of my feet, touching every corner of my body. Love. I already loved him. I walked with him through the dining room to the stairs which would take me to the Treasure Room. I climbed the stairs feeling every groove beneath my feet, skin tingling with anticipation. Good thing I always forgot to shut the door.

   I loved the Treasure Room because there were all sorts of…prizes. And I was sure he would love being in the Treasure Room too. Just like all the other good boys. I gently placed him on the fluffy carpet, face up and set next to him holding his hand. We spoke for hours. About his favorite toys and his best friends; which teacher gave him trouble at school and if he liked firemen; whether Superman or Batman would win in a battle; if he knew what real love was. His laugh clenched my heart and stirred something deep in my stomach. His skin was cool to the touch and I felt him tremble as my fingers got lower. I took everything off. First my shirt, then my pants, then my underwear. All the while his eyes were closed and he exhaled and inhaled quickly in pleasant anticipation. He was so lovely. We played for a long time. Doctor has always been one of my favorites. His on the other hand, was Mommy and Daddy. And then I carried him to the bed and put him down gently before climbing in myself. I turned him so he faced me but his eyes were still closed. I guess he was just enjoying the moment. I pulled him to me and wrapped my arms around him. He fit snugly into my arms as if he was designed especially for me and then I realized.

He was a gift.
For the first time in months I smiled.
God’s son had returned.

The Color Wheel

If all the world was blue and gold
Far as the eye could see
I'd travel in a pirate ship
With hopes you'd follow me
If all the world was grey and white
And the sea(like crystal)clear
I'd search its very jungles whole
In hopes I'd find you there

If all the world was red and black
Like fire burning bright
I'd find a way to dim it down
You'd be my only light
If all the world was green and brown
With trees on every street
I'd spend my day composing songs
To lay before your feet

If all the world was bottled up
In glass of colors five
I'd shatter it and set you free
To keep you safe;alive
And when the Empire crumbles to the floor
And the world reveals its core
The colors will all disappear;
And you'll find me there

Standing beside you.It's just you and me.

Sirens

Countless "One Days"and "Once upon a times"
There isn't one I haven't read
But my story is different;
No fairy tales
Just a nightmare instead

The boy in black was no more
The boy in white was re-birthed
I made it my mission to save him
So his body I unearthed

He sat in my room all day
Lying next to me at night
He never says anything
Like he's given up the fight
But "One day" he spoke
And his voice was real clear
A god-like machine
There was no emotion there

"The world is a square so it's easy to cut corners,
Everyone's the same except all those damn foreigners,
The pretty girls are whores; the ugly ones aren't any better,
Boys will fuck anyone just depends on who's wetter.
Demons are contraband and Angels don't exist,
Luci and God? Make believe to govern those who resist,
Sex isn't everything;but it's pretty good though
It's the only thing I really missed when I was living down below"

When he was finished I realized my mistake
The boy in black was right all along
The boy in white was a fake
No savior,no answer,
No reassurance for my mind
He sat staring off with a faraway smile.
I rescued a poltergeist
A Nybbas, A Pretas, A Leonard;
One Death and Seven Death love me.

He used to love me.
He never loved me.
His self-love led to self-loathing
And I was exactly the same.

TM O TM

I feel his eyes on my breasts from beneath the sheets
My bedroom window is open so he can watch me
Mother disapproves of what we do in the dark
But I always remember her being a morning person
The days are too long and the nights too short
I'd spend everyday enveloped in his beauty if I could
I'm happiest when he's on top and I'm looking
In his eyes,at his handsome face
My favorite picture is of him on the lake
The fish,the plants,the water nymphs,the water itself
Nothing compares to his presence and glory
His hair is the color of mercury;his skin is like cream
Dal,Mahina,Alkina,Maan
A world traveler he goes by many different names
I call him Astennu:my knowledge,my serenity,mine.
He gives me love and in return I give him praise
We are equals...why would you take him from me?
You will kill him one day with your pollutant presence
And my body will feel light without him on top
I will waste away for my love has been cut short
But we would be together again in the spirit world
Noom.