Two Shots

      The doorbell was ringing. It took all my strength to make my way to the door, my lethargy being at its highest. The ringing continued until I was right before the door with my hand outstretched to turn the handle and then it stopped. I hesitated for a second before shrugging and opened it. And there it was. A simple cardboard box. One of those ones you see in offices where you assembled them yourself. White and completely void of any writing or print. I frowned not remembering having ordered anything in the past couple of weeks; even months. I bent over and lifted it then quickly let it fall. It was heavier than I had estimated.  I steadied myself and tried again grunting over the strain of the weight. I used my foot to open up the door a little more so I could get through and carried the heavy box to the dining room table. Setting it down I moved back to close the front door. The telephone rang 6 times before it went to voicemail. “Hey it’s me. Haven’t heard you in a while and I’m just checking in...so...yeah. Give me call when you can. Bye!” The television was still on and the laugh track on the obnoxious sitcom was loud in my ears. Same day. Same sequence. I was getting real tired of doing this every day. Only the box was different. Oh right, the box. I moved to the kitchen and found a knife to cut it open then went into the dining room. It was pretty big. Large enough to hold a gaming console or a designer bag none of which I had purchased. I frowned again and started to cut it open, folding the flaps back.

    Dark, bare, smooth, shiny, stiff, cold. It was a boy. He looked to be about 4 or 5 which would explain why he so easily fit inside. He was positioned how I imagine a fetus lies in its mother’s womb; with his knees tucked up to his chest and his hands curled under his chin. His eyes were closed and his lips slightly apart. He could’ve been asleep except for the fact that he wasn’t.  Skin so clean and unmarked that I almost thought he was a doll. No being could be this perfect. I stared into the box for minutes before I moved, arms shaking I lifted him. My eyes traced his little face tenderly and I could feel warmth originating from the soles of my feet, touching every corner of my body. Love. I already loved him. I walked with him through the dining room to the stairs which would take me to the Treasure Room. I climbed the stairs feeling every groove beneath my feet, skin tingling with anticipation. Good thing I always forgot to shut the door.

   I loved the Treasure Room because there were all sorts of…prizes. And I was sure he would love being in the Treasure Room too. Just like all the other good boys. I gently placed him on the fluffy carpet, face up and set next to him holding his hand. We spoke for hours. About his favorite toys and his best friends; which teacher gave him trouble at school and if he liked firemen; whether Superman or Batman would win in a battle; if he knew what real love was. His laugh clenched my heart and stirred something deep in my stomach. His skin was cool to the touch and I felt him tremble as my fingers got lower. I took everything off. First my shirt, then my pants, then my underwear. All the while his eyes were closed and he exhaled and inhaled quickly in pleasant anticipation. He was so lovely. We played for a long time. Doctor has always been one of my favorites. His on the other hand, was Mommy and Daddy. And then I carried him to the bed and put him down gently before climbing in myself. I turned him so he faced me but his eyes were still closed. I guess he was just enjoying the moment. I pulled him to me and wrapped my arms around him. He fit snugly into my arms as if he was designed especially for me and then I realized.

He was a gift.
For the first time in months I smiled.
God’s son had returned.

The Color Wheel

If all the world was blue and gold
Far as the eye could see
I'd travel in a pirate ship
With hopes you'd follow me
If all the world was grey and white
And the sea(like crystal)clear
I'd search its very jungles whole
In hopes I'd find you there

If all the world was red and black
Like fire burning bright
I'd find a way to dim it down
You'd be my only light
If all the world was green and brown
With trees on every street
I'd spend my day composing songs
To lay before your feet

If all the world was bottled up
In glass of colors five
I'd shatter it and set you free
To keep you safe;alive
And when the Empire crumbles to the floor
And the world reveals its core
The colors will all disappear;
And you'll find me there

Standing beside you.It's just you and me.

TM O TM

I feel his eyes on my breasts from beneath the sheets
My bedroom window is open so he can watch me
Mother disapproves of what we do in the dark
But I always remember her being a morning person
The days are too long and the nights too short
I'd spend everyday enveloped in his beauty if I could
I'm happiest when he's on top and I'm looking
In his eyes,at his handsome face
My favorite picture is of him on the lake
The fish,the plants,the water nymphs,the water itself
Nothing compares to his presence and glory
His hair is the color of mercury;his skin is like cream
Dal,Mahina,Alkina,Maan
A world traveler he goes by many different names
I call him Astennu:my knowledge,my serenity,mine.
He gives me love and in return I give him praise
We are equals...why would you take him from me?
You will kill him one day with your pollutant presence
And my body will feel light without him on top
I will waste away for my love has been cut short
But we would be together again in the spirit world
Noom.

For Giriboy: May I Be Half As Dope

I've always felt like I'm the one who's different
Never cared much for what they'd say
"A rebel without a cause"
"Like a singer without a song"
I could tell you were exactly like them
Arrogance was the only thing you knew
I couldn't help but like you though
Can't remember why this was so

What I liked about you's disappearing
I don't think that you can get it back
It feels like you're another genre
And I'm Hip Hop under attack
No longer feels like we're the same
It no longer feels as if we match
I guess you're just another genre
And I'm Hip Hop under attack

Only so far we can go
Before we destroy the both of us
I thought that together we would grow
Why can't that be?
I guess we are just too different "baby"
I've always liked the fact that
I was different
But meeting you was
Quite the difference
Meeting you was destiny
That much I know
If you still want me
Then let it show

Swim Good

Hotel Room
Ocean View
Swim Good....


    Sitting high in her tower she dreams. Through the opened window overlooking the sea, she watches the ships sail. Sometimes leaving, sometimes coming but always filled with possibilities. The Lady was her favorite. It wasn't the biggest boat and it wasn't the prettiest but there was something about it. No matter how many times she watched it come and go she could never realise what it was until that day. He was new to the crew. He noticed her one day looking out of her tower window. "Who is that? In the window?" he would ask everyone around him and they would just smile. For a week he stared at the window; every night until he finally got the courage to approach it. Deep breath. Here we go now. Over the pier. Almost there now. He was surprised to see no entrance into the tower. Frowning he decided to call to her. "Ahoy up there!" She looked outside and saw him, trying to hold onto his sailor cap as the night air blew fiercely. Tilting her head she frowned not knowing why he was there. "Hullo, isn't there a way to get inside?" She smiled sadly and shook her head, then looked past him into the night. "What are you looking at?" He looked back trying to see what it was she saw but could only make out the black velvet of the night. What a strange girl. Since he couldn't seem to get a word out of her, he decided to find a way into the tower. He took a walk all around the structure, even tapping its walls just in case there was some sort of secret passage but came up empty. After a few hours, dejected and tired, he decided to call it quits for the night. It's so dark. I'll come back tomorrow when it's light and maybe I'll see something I missed! With that thought giving him hope, he went back around to her window and waved at her with a smile then made his way back to the ship.

Good. He's gone. I thought he would never leave. "Nathaniel,he seems like a good boy." Boys are never good my dear. And besides, you know if Luke ever sees him he'll be in danger. Do you remember what happened to the other one? "You're right as always. But I'm tired of being alone. I like this one." If you like him you'll stay away. For both your sakes.
   
    The next day the sailor was at it again. He slipped out during the afternoon while all his fellow shipmates were having lunch and made his way across the pier to the tower. "Hello inside~ It's me again." He waited under her window until he saw her solemnly leaned her head out. She tilted it at him and frowned. "Are you quite sure there's no way in?" She shrugged non-committal, and went back inside. I guess I'm doing this on my own then. For three days he went back to the tower in search of a way in. Each time he tried to get her to speak and each day she refused to. Each day he he got more and more determined to get to her. On the fourth day he carried with him a rope and some stones. Tying a stone to the end of the rope he threw thee rope toward the window until he finally got it in. She ran to the window and leaned out with wide eyes when the rope flew into her room. He grinned up at her and saluted. "Can you find something to tie it onto?" She nodded slowly, still wide eyed, then moved to tie the rope to the leg of her bed.
   
     What are you doing? Luke is going to be mad! "I can't live like this anymore Nathaniel. I'm going crazy inside of this place. I have to leave." Don't say I didn't warn you..She pulled on it to make sure it was really secure then ran back to the window. "Did you do it?" She nodded quickly. "Alright. I'll be back tonight and you can come down then okay?" She smiled down at him and he made his way back to the ship, happily awaiting the moment he would finally meet the strange girl in the tower. She paced and bit her nails all the while she waited for her sailor. Soon she fell asleep and before she knew it, night had fallen. She heard his happy whistle as he approached the tower and she prepared herself to leave. And where are you going? "Luke!..I..I'm leaving the tower. You can't keep me locked up in here forever." You're never leaving this tower as long as I have breath. I control you my dear. If you try to leave you know what will happen to you and your friend. Luke please. Don't be hasty now. Stay out of this Nathaniel. If you had let me punish her the last time like I wanted to we wouldn't be in this mess again. "Shut up! Both of you! I'm going and there's nothing anyone can do." You'll be sorry.   
    The happy sailor finally got to the tower and called out to the girl in the tower. He grinned when he saw her peeked out of the window. "Are you scared?" She bit her lip and nodded. "It's okay. I won't let anything bad happen." She glanced back into the room then squared her shoulders and began to climb down the rope. Her heart beat rapidly as she made her way down, then finally her feet touched the ground for the first time. She turned around, finally able to meet him face to face. "You're even more beautiful than I could see from up there." He reached out and stroked her cheek, and she leaned into his touch closing her eyes and pausing for a few moments. "I'm happy you came for me." His eyes widened. "You...talk?" She smiled, her eyes still closed then she slowly opened them and he was afraid. "Are you ready to leave here forever? With me?" She grabbed his hand earnestly. "Y-Yes. I am." "Then let's go."
   
Luke. Luke what did you do? Don't worry Nathaniel. She won't be disobeying us anymore. And that sailor won't give us any more trouble. Luke...I have a bad feeling. What did you do? Don't worry. It's all taken care of.

There's an old legend in a small little fishing town where there's an old tower. They say when the moon rests behind the clouds and the night turns to velvet black, that the screams of a young girl can be heard down by the sea. And if you look very closely you will see the body of a young man in a sailor suit. His body half beneath the surface of the water. 

Beautiful
Ocean View
Swim Good....

To Whom It May Concern

There are things that come quite natural to me
Like curling my tongue or crossing my eyes
And others seem always out of reach
My fingers only look white because
They've been put against my dark skin
And Simon says I'm very smart
That glowing commendation makes me happy
But my mouth tastes of bitterness
My hips mean nothing
My ass means nothing
My legs mean nothing
My smile means nothing
Only my words mean something and what they do to you
Blinded?
You must be.
I'm so tired all the time dear
Be good. Be brave. Be there.
I'm getting too old for this bullshit
I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never have a turn
But act like you care goddammit
I'm sorry. This must be hard for you.
One day I hope you'll understand why I had to do this.
Have to do this.
It's just...it's been on my mind for a while now
And this is the reasonable thing
Smart girls. Isn't that what you told me?
It's necessary. You'll get it one day.
So forgive me.
It seems I'm going to have to kill you both before I leave here.

MEHTEVAS

If you've ever had that person in your life that you wanted to save then this one's for you. Human beings always have this tendency to want to pick someone up and try to change them. Boys will be attracted to a girl because she wore shorts and they always saw her legs and then expect her to just magically change and start wearing long skirts because they're together. And girls will choose the pretty boy because he's attractive but then be perplexed when all the other girls try to get at him. It's pretty silly when you think about it.

People can't, and more often than not, will not change overnight. It's just not in a our makeup. So it baffles me a lot when people attempt to change someone even if it is for the better or for their own good. It's kind of useless because that person won't ever change until they make a conscious decision on their own to do just that. It's a hard pill to swallow especially if you love the person whether it's a parent, child, boyfriend, girlfriend or even just a friend. The only thing we can really do is assess the situation and decide whether the traits we don't especially like about the other person are enough to make us leave them forever.

Maybe there's a savior complex in all of us and it just takes a certain person(s) to unleash it. Or maybe love just makes us so blind that at first we're dazzled by everything the person does until we get further in the relationship (whatever kind of relationship it is) and all the things that made us love them become annoying and overbearing. Whatever it is, sooner or later we have to realize that we just can't save someone. Not unless they want to be saved. The reality is the more you try to "save" them and change them, the further you'll push them away. And if you love the person enough to want to save them, then that in itself is just not worth it.

The Grotto

"Run away, Runaway."

Shipwrecked on this island I encountered a pirate whose ways were as crooked as his smile.
Beware beware screamed the voices in my head, but he got to me first.

I spent my days exploring the island with him; seeing caves and exotic creatures; trees so tall my neck strained to encompass them all; rivers that flowed to eternity. We drank from the Spring of Desire and ate fruit from the Garden of Sin. And at night, he kissed me where no other man had ever been so I returned his affections with everything I possessed.
Beware Beware screamed the voices in my head, but he got to me first.

One day we found an underground grotto. It spanned the length of the entire island. He held out his hand to help me down. The voices in my head grew quiet. It was dark and eerie underneath the earth but the pirate was right by my side. My hands ran over the walls which felt like rough tongues and smelled like cotton candy. I looked up at his face and saw the darkness that wasn't the grotto. For the very first time in my life I was afraid. A feeling that took a hold of me and rendered me thoughtless unable to see or hear the life around me. I was afraid; but he held my hand. Beware Beware screamed the voices in my head but he got to me first.

We continued our way further until suddenly everything was illuminated and I was momentarily blinded. I felt like  I was falling when in reality both my feet were planted solidly on the ground. And then he appeared. The Earth Demon was never seen but always heard. Ruler of everything on the island; the Supreme Cosmic Power. He greeted my pirate as if they were old friends. They joked and laughed in a language I couldn't quite understand. I was invisible. Beware Beware screamed the voices in my head, but he got to me first.

Eventually they took notice and I was introduced. The Earth Demon studied me; eyes penetrating to my core and burning me from the inside out. I could feel the power he possessed and I was afraid. He circled me like an animal cornering his prey. I kept my eyes trained on the pirate. My personal solace. Suddenly he stopped and nodded. The pirate gave me a look so sincere,so happy that I couldn't help but smile in return. I made to step forward just so he could hold me in his arms like before but realized I couldn't move. I looked around in confusion and tried again to no avail. He tilted his head at me and waved just as something grabbed my leg. I screamed as the ground below us opened up and I felt myself being pulled beneath the earth. The voices in my head no longer screamed beware; they too were afraid. The wind whistled in my ears and my stomach hit the bottom way before I did. I could see him growing smaller and smaller as I fell and yet I strained my eyes trying to see him. My paradise. Suddenly I was upright and on my feet as strong arms lifted me and set me right,dusting off my clothes. 
"Right. Here we are. Take a look around. You're going to be here for a very...long time."

**Since I get so much request for my one shots to be continued I decided to do this little story. I'm not going to call it a short story because I'm not sure how far it will go on. I'll be updating it every week with a new episode of sorts. I'm open to suggestions of what you guys want to read here on my blog so don't be shy in hitting me up. The links are down below if you'll take my suggestion. Hope you enjoy it!**

http://twitter.com/LuckyNumberAlex
http://chasingallex.tumblr.com

Childish

Little person in a big world
How is it that you survive?
Was learning meant to be so hard?
Or does it come natural, being alive?

The strength to go on
Seems out of my grasp
And the ability to reason
Is leaving me fast

Little person in a big world
How long does it take?
What happens in the end?
Can we really change fate?

I've been running from mine
Was that the right thing to do?
I heard monsters are beside me
Is that even true?

Little person in a big world
I've been away for a long time
I can't remember most things
Loneliness should be a crime

Glass doors all around
So it's impossible to hide
But I keep my eyes closed
And it weakens my stride

Little person in a big world
It seems you just disappeared
My existence is backwards
I guess that's why I'm called weird

You left a lot unanswered
I hope your stay here was good
Maybe next time you'll do more
I know I wish I could......

But it's too late.

Pay Attention

                     Monster,
               How should I feel?
               Creatures lie here,
            Looking through my window.

It's 6 pm and outside is already covered in darkness.
You smile as he takes your hand and pulls you close. You spent 3 hours talking in his car, just the two of you. About anything. About everything. You invite him in when it got too dark to see. Your parents aren't home so you're about to have a good time. He's sitting on your bed looking at the pictures on the wall.
Your history.
You close the door not noticing that it doesn't shut all the way in. He holds out his hand to you and you take it. Your stomach acts unnaturally and you can't quite understand why your knees feel so weak. You watch his tongue as it dances across his bottom lip. Suddenly you're aroused. Your hand moves towards his chest as his roam your body. You're feeling good right? Take your clothes off. The next step is the best. Before you realise they're lying on the floor and he's on top of you. You close your eyes as his lips touch yours and the shaking in your knees begins to subside. Your heart races faster as his voice permeates your entire being and you cease to understand anything but his touch. You've never felt this way before. Every move he makes brings you closer and closer to that moment. To the greatest feeling you'll ever know in the entirety of your life. And just when you're about to reach the height of your existence she walks in with the redness in her eyes and the metal in her hands.
You're history.
She aims it at your heart and pulls. The last thing you see is her face; not his. You die never having experienced that ultimate pleasure. She smiles as she watches the light leave your eyes and he screams with your blood on his face. He's still buried deep inside of you.

"I hate you both."

Knowledge

I once met a boy in a black coat
Everything he did was good and pure
Everything he did was sanctioned
The gods chose him above all others

I once met a boy in a white coat.
He was the image of life itself
He was also chosen by the gods
His purpose was unclear

The boy in the white coat taught me many things.
How to breathe, how to eat, how to sleep. How to survive.
I learned that roses hurt if you get too close
And sad songs are sadder when you're alone.
Dreams are irrelevant unless they have meaning
And knives feel sharper against the skin.

The boy in the white coat showed me things I had never seen before.
What the birds did in their nests
What the owls said at night.
What happens when a tree falls
How the bees made their honey.
Pale skin against a dark one
All the wonders of the world.

The boy in the black coat was mad. One day he took the boy in the white coat away and came back alone. I asked him about it and he never responded.

I had a dream from the gods today
It was about the boy in the white coat
His purpose had been fulfilled
Because now I know.
About the birds and the bees
And the roses and the trees
About life.
I know now.

One Shot

(1st One Shot of many to come. Experimentation of sorts. Thanks for reading!)   
 

    There was something wrong with that girl. No sound was heard until you felt her breath on your neck and turned to see her smile. Her long black hair covered her eyes and her yellow-stained teeth made your skin crawl. She was always alone until one day she was not. They appeared like three henchmen, always two steps behind her. They never spoke and didn't seem to ever eat or drink. She controlled them but only because that's what they wanted. A heaviness surrounded her and the air was stifling beside them all. No one could penetrate their circle, at least not on purpose.
     No one knew where she came from and no one was brave enough to ask her. She lived alone. Her parents walked out on her a long time ago. At least that's what everyone thought. They didn't know. About the night daddy first came into her room. About the nights that followed. The beatings mommy gave her for "telling lies". No one knew what she had to do. No one knew what I had to do. How I took the knife to their necks while they laid sleeping in each other's arms. How mommy's eyes rolled back when she saw what I did to daddy next to her. How I smiled seeing the look in her eyes.
     Lous, Light and Lived saved me; cleaned the blood and dumped the bodies. They took care of me and still take care of me. Even as I'm stuck here between the living and the dead they protect me from the spirits of the unfortunate. I like being here. It's warm and cozy and I have lots of friends. They understand me and never make fun. And I have one person to thank for bringing me here and making me feel welcomed.
Hello Saetun.

You Owe Me

You don't want me?
But you called me.
I've been watching you
Stalking you even
I placed the seed but you made it easy
A willing participant

You asked me to help you
And I did
I nursed you and gave you hope
False as it may have been
But you have only yourself to blame

You didn't want me to leave
Not really
I gave you the key and showed you the door
But you never took those steps
Instead you clung to me
And begged me to let you stay
So I did
It's funny
Isn't it?

You know it. I know it.
I'm the best thing that happened to you
I am your present
I am your future
There's nothing you could do but accept it
But you didn't
Choosing to run you fell
It wasn't my place to catch you

I killed you.
I did.
But that was the trade off
Your life for my support?
I gave you the chance you needed
And you let it slip away
So I watched you slip away
There's no time for quitters
But I made you happy if even for a while
The smiles, the laugh
That was all me
You can't deny it
You can't live without me so you have to go
And I have to move on
So as your eyes close I invite her in
The next one.

Survival Guide: New Year's Eve and Single

So all your friends are making plans for New Year's Eve (or Old Year's for us Caribbean folk) and are excited about the countdown reaching one and that glorious moment when they get to lock lips with "bae". It's annoying. I know. Being single around this time of year can be really a bummer especially if all your friends are not and ESPECIALLY especially if you're usually the one with the significant other. Being the only one by yourself when everyone is snuggled up in pairs sucks (believe me I know) but there are ways to get through this couple night, out-shadowed only by Valentine's Day, unscathed and having fun.

*Have other single friends? Grab 'em and hang out as much as possible together. Stick in a group and have some laughs. Make fun of all the partnered up people and pretend like you all don't care all while being bitter inside. There's nothing better than being around people who understand the struggle.

*Don't mind being alone? Respectfully decline that dinner or house party. Try hitting a new spot you've never been to. It's a good way to experience something new and see some unfamiliar faces. Who knows? You might even snag your own someone by the end of the night (amiright? :D )

*If you're not up to rubbing shoulders with others why not stay at home? Curl up in front of the television or laptop and watch your favorite movie with a nice glass of something liquored and some treats. You're guaranteed to feel good cause you're already doing something you like and you avoid those awkward pity looks you get when you're the third wheel...or fifth...or seventh...

*Avoid couple hangouts. Beach limes? With all that cold sea breeze you know the "Here babe let me warm you up" scenario is going to pop up sooner or later and as they say; hugging leads to raging sex (okay maybe they don't say that). Dinners? Even worse than limes cause you're stuck at the table watching people feed each other until the meal is over and you can wave your hand saying "Cheque please!" Try an office party or even family gathering. Someone's bound to make a fool of themselves and make everyone laugh (just make sure you're not the one lying down pretending to swim in a puddle of alcohol).


So those are some helpful tips for all you people out there (like myself) who will be partnerless and lonely for New Year's Eve. No one wants to be the odd one out. Simple human nature. But remember not having a boyfriend/girlfriend isn't any reason for you to not enjoy yourself and get pumped for a brand new year to begin so sit back, relax and toast to a new year (and hopefully a new partner v_v ).

The Boardwalk is definitely one of this island's selling points

Makes you okay with living here lol Fun day today :)

Handle Yourself

If there's one thing I've learned in the past year is that I'm the only person I can really, truly rely on. That doesn't mean that my parents and my family and my friends wouldn't do everything in their power to help me but at the end of the day no one will want the best for me and will stay by me like how I will. I am my greatest ally and I can also be my worst enemy. Stop blaming everyone for your failures and praise yourself for your achievements. No one is stopping you from winning at life except for yourself. And I know there are some people out there who will make it their personal mission to see that you don't succeed because no matter what you do there's always going to be that one person who just doesn't like you for one reason or another but that's when you have to focus your energy and decide for you that you're going to show those people that they can't touch you; they can't stop you from gaining what's your birthright.

I believe that everyone is placed here for a reason. It's up to you to decide whether or not you're going to figure out your purpose and if you're going to pursue it. I'm pretty passionate about a lot of things and over the years I've had to give up some of my interests because of family matters and other things. At first I used to blame my parents, my teachers, this person and that person for, in the typical teenage way, "ruining my life". Then my mother sat me down one day and said enough is enough, "You're young. Right now you don't have the authority to do whatever you want but there will come a time when that is. Either you plan for that time and make up your mind to tackle all the things you couldn't before or forget about them and move on with life. Either way you have to stop blaming everyone because you decide for you." That has stayed with me for a very long time and I don't think I'll ever forget it. I try my hardest to live by that now and there are somethings I've decided for myself that I will pursue until death and then they're some I've decided weren't worth keeping up. Will I regret my decisions? I probably will. But that's all a part of growing up and I've come to realize you can't run from regrets. You have to acknowledge them and do better next time,try harder next time.

So if you don't take anything away from this post at least take this. There is absolutely NO ONE stopping you from achieving the things you want to achieve. It is true that you will not get everything in life you want because that's just the nature of our existence. We're faced everyday with disappointments. But taking responsibility for yourself and trying as hard as you can will decide whether 10 years,40 years down the road you can sit back and tell yourself "Job well done/ I did the best I could" or if you'll be tossing and turning at night thinking "Maybe I should have/What if?". Which one will you choose?

The Real You

Looking around at school I see a lot of familiar faces of people who either went to Primary or Secondary school with me or grew up with me in my neighborhood or even went to Sunday school with me. It's strange cause I can't identify the person I'm looking at sometimes. It feels like mine is a generation hell bent on being anything else but themselves. All I see are carbon copies of the same mold and it's a bit daunting thinking about it. When did being yourself suddenly stop being enough? I know I'm preaching a sermon that you guys have probably heard a thousand times before but there's a damn good reason for that.

And believe me. I know a lot about wanting to fit in and being like everyone else. It's a method of survival that's been around for centuries now and it's a very effective one. Sometimes people become who they aren't just to feel a sense of belonging. But you know what? It's a trick because that feeling is fleeting. Sure you'll be happy to a certain extent because in a way you'll be accepted but you'll also be restricted. Is that worth it? Wouldn't it be better to be able to do whatever you want and say whatever you want without wondering whether or not your friends are going to drop you and move on to someone else or that your boyfriend/girlfriend will dump you for someone else? I'm sure it would. So why is everyone insisting on staying in friendships and relationships that are based on the lie of them acting like someone they're not?

I learned the lesson early that being someone that you're not isn't beneficial. It's better to be your real self and let others use that to decide whether or not they like you. In the past few years I've discovered a group of people that I love infinitely. I've shown them pretty much every side to me..the good the bad the ugly..and you know what? They're still here. And I'm not saying that we'll be friends forever because who knows what the future holds but it's a pretty great sign that even after all the bullshit we went through they're still here. I think that's the greatest test of friendships and relationships. When you can be 100% you and the person still sticks around to be there.

And I get it. We're young. So sometimes you don't even know who "you" is. I don't have all the answers and everyday I'm finding out new things about myself; what I can do, what I won't stand, what I'm capable of. That's all a part of growing up. You've got to learn who YOU are along the way. That being said, there are somethings that you've known about yourself all alone and it's those things that make up the core of you. Don;t change them. That's what makes you special;makes you the person who you are. Just be yourself. It's so worth it in the end it's almost crazy. That boy you dream of is gonna show up, that girl you want will be yours, that person you want to be friends with will notice you and when that happens, you can guarantee they'll like you for you. Now isn't that a better alternative to the dream your living right now?

Growing Up

I watch them from afar
Their eyes bright with laughter
Their mouths filled with words
They do not know what I do
Caught between childhood and adulthood
Invincible.
They speak their minds
And do as they please
Consequences mean nothing
Pleasure means everything
But I know your future
Your smiles will turn to frowns
The glint will leave your eyes
And down trodden and hurt
Angry and helpless
You will wear my shoes.

Ordinary Love Shit

When you're a teenager or young adult one of the things that seems to define you is your interaction with those of the opposite sex. If you had too many girlfriends, if you had too little boyfriends, if you're a virgin, if you're not.  My personality dictates that I can only truly open up to those who I've known for a certain amount of time or who I feel a deep connection with so I've never been that girl who found talking to boys that easy. That and the obvious fact that I'm not the type of girl boys seem to like that much lol

Like most girls I do crave affection and someone to be with but at the same time I'm not that great at compromising and I do admit to being a bit of a narcissist. I like knowing that I have control over all the situations I'm in and when I don't I get lost. Even in my friendships I'm learning everyday how to be there for people and how not to be as crude as I wish I could be with some. So finding the right person to be my boyfriend is proving to be difficult.

So I decided this year that I wasn't going to try to look. I'd focus on school and writing and what ever happens happens. For a while that was working and I was happy (and don't get me wrong I'm still pretty happy) but I'd be lying if I didn't say it was easier when none of my friends didn't have boyfriends or boys who they're "talking to". It does kinda hurt when everyone is out on dates and I'm left at home on the internet watching scary movies alone but that's beside the point. I guess my point is... what do we really want?

Some days I'm great by myself and I'm like fuck relationships then some days I'm whiny and keep saying I want one. Is that just me or is that human nature? Theoretically  I have everything I could get from a relationship. I almost always have company since my friends and I are so close. I get affection from my family and close friends so I don't feel unloved. My writing has been going pretty well so it's not feeling underachieved. What then is my emotions craving? It's hard to figure it out and a part of me wonders if I should even try to figure it out.  Being this young is hard man.

The Chase

If you're a teenager like I am, finding out what you want most from life can be pretty damn hard. Some of us know from the get-go that we want to be a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher; and then others (and I confess I'm a part of the latter) have a hard time settling on an actual career or degree to follow.

When I was younger I wanted to be a doctor for the longest time, then reality gave me a hard kick in the ass when I was in High/Secondary school and I was confronted by my mortal enemy...sciences. To say I suck at sciences would be equivalent to saying drugs are bad for you. Anything Maths related makes me cringe and my mind just literally shuts down and I freak. I've always been better with words so when I was about to take my CXCs (a Caribbean exam which enables you to get certification in certain subjects) I decided to try my hand at Business subjects. Easy right? Hated the shit out of it. Although I've never liked the idea of having a boss, I've never really thought about owning my own business and I just found business studies to be boring. That puts me up to 6th form (the last two years of High School basically) where I decided I'd try my hand at Law. I mean I was good with words, I loved debating things and Lawyers make a lot of money. Win win all around. For a while I thought I had finally found what I wanted to do. I loved learning Law at school. My teacher was really great and I understood it,  but then  I realised I didn't want to be a Lawyer. I could not see myself working late hours all day everyday for the rest of my life. I just couldn't.

Then it hit me. What I wanted to do. In 6th form I took up English Literature and it all clicked then. I got a 4 in Literature at CAPE which isn't a fail but it's not nearly the top either and you know what? I still loved it. It hurt so much that I didn't get a 1 but I still loved Literature lol And it made me realise that what I was good at had been staring at me all along. I always was at  the top of the class when it came to Literature and English since I was young. I was able to read before most kids when I was a child and my collection of books was kinda scary for someone my age lol (I say was because all of my books got thrown out some years ago with moving sigh) I always loved writing and I've been writing things since I was a little girl, whether it was stories,poems, my thoughts...I finally had a purpose and something to really strive for and that's when I started to put my all into learning. I intend on graduating with First Class Honors in Literature and that's my goal.

 I guess what my whole post is trying to say, is that it's okay to be lost. Nothing is wrong with you because you just can't figure out what you want to do. Some people know from the start and some people find their way, but find your way you will. That's as long as you keep trying of course. Never stop chasing what you want out of life even if you don't know what that is. Research and ask questions and do whatever you need to do to get shit done. It's going to be hard sometimes believe me, especially when everyone else around you seems like they have it together and you're barely keeping your head above water but never mind that. Keep striving.It'll be worth it in the end. Believe me.

Acronyms

Don't be so enamored with people
Easily swayed, their loyalty is fake
Some are crafty and will trick you
They will come with sweet words and promises,
Readily you will accept
Only, they are lies and you'll regret it
Your hopes-shattered.
Teach yourself to rely on you
Hanging on will only cause you more pain
Ethereal thoughts of love confuse you
Making it hard to survive.
Always remember
Love is not a synonym for life
Life is not guaranteed.