The Game

3 a.m. calls, clandestine meets in the dark
Tentative touches and smiles in the bar
Hidden exchanges, messages in plain sight
Talks on the phone until you see the sunlight
You tell lies and excuses to cover your tracks
All the while she sits there ignoring the facts
Cause she can’t imagine life with no you
But you’ve already moved on to girl number 2
Sometimes you try to put the blame on me
And I can’t figure out why you can’t see
Decisions we make are always at us
You were the one to forfeit your trust
I’d be lying if I said I was sorry.

3 a.m. calls, clandestine meets in the dark
Tentative touches and smiles in the bar
Hidden exchanges, messages in plain sight
Talks on the phone until I see the sunlight
My mind invaded by thoughts of him
The moon is out and the lights are dim
A love that could surpass the seas
If only there was no you and me
Chemistry so strong that I can’t deny
You leave me always feeling high
But I know decisions we make are at us
Can’t decide if this is a want or a must
And I still can’t say that I’m sorry.

Foreign

I haven't written in such a long time that I feel somewhat hesitant about the way I'm about to word this so I apologize in advance if this isn't like my regular stuff. But just keep with me for a while. Some of you might or might not know I about a month ago I moved half way across the world to study in China. I've never ever before traveled so far and on my own nonetheless. Everything here is so new and exciting but it's also very very lonely. I didn't think I'd miss home so much but I do and I think about it everyday though I really am enjoying myself over here. There's a lot I have to say but I think this is the best way to put it right now. Thank you guys for reading and waiting on me for a while. I'm back though. And hopefully better.


在国家 I often felt alone
I was surrounded by so much love
That it suffocated me and I never knew
How to feel

在国家 I found a group of people
Who make being far away unbearable
I miss them a lot.

在国家 I was a part of something
Even if I didn't realize it at the time
It's lonely here
And as much as I would like to
I admit that I miss home

在国家 I was somebody
And here I am no one
I know it's up to me to change that
And I'm definitely up for the challenge
That doesn't make it easy though

在国家I know they miss me too
They tell me everyday
And that helps a lot
Social Networks are a bitch by the way

I've never felt so alone
I've never felt so strange
I've never felt so new
I've never felt so foreign.

你是哪国人？
I freeze because I don't know what to say
I'm from the place where the clear skies make your day
And the rain makes you happy and sad all at the same time
The sands feel like home and the sea your comfort
The sun is your best friend and worst enemy but you love it
The people are too friendly sometimes but that's okay
Where pleasure is the preferred method of payment
Laughter's a close second.
Where I buried the best man to ever be in my life
And found the one that was just a month too late
Where I found a boy who I'd do anything for
And a girl who's innocence makes me smile
Another who shows me unconditional support
And one who makes me laugh no matter what mood I'm in
And another who knows my soul for what it is.
But then I just smile and answer.
我是巴巴多斯人。

The Color Wheel

If all the world was blue and gold
Far as the eye could see
I'd travel in a pirate ship
With hopes you'd follow me
If all the world was grey and white
And the sea(like crystal)clear
I'd search its very jungles whole
In hopes I'd find you there

If all the world was red and black
Like fire burning bright
I'd find a way to dim it down
You'd be my only light
If all the world was green and brown
With trees on every street
I'd spend my day composing songs
To lay before your feet

If all the world was bottled up
In glass of colors five
I'd shatter it and set you free
To keep you safe;alive
And when the Empire crumbles to the floor
And the world reveals its core
The colors will all disappear;
And you'll find me there

Standing beside you.It's just you and me.

Sirens

Countless "One Days"and "Once upon a times"
There isn't one I haven't read
But my story is different;
No fairy tales
Just a nightmare instead

The boy in black was no more
The boy in white was re-birthed
I made it my mission to save him
So his body I unearthed

He sat in my room all day
Lying next to me at night
He never says anything
Like he's given up the fight
But "One day" he spoke
And his voice was real clear
A god-like machine
There was no emotion there

"The world is a square so it's easy to cut corners,
Everyone's the same except all those damn foreigners,
The pretty girls are whores; the ugly ones aren't any better,
Boys will fuck anyone just depends on who's wetter.
Demons are contraband and Angels don't exist,
Luci and God? Make believe to govern those who resist,
Sex isn't everything;but it's pretty good though
It's the only thing I really missed when I was living down below"

When he was finished I realized my mistake
The boy in black was right all along
The boy in white was a fake
No savior,no answer,
No reassurance for my mind
He sat staring off with a faraway smile.
I rescued a poltergeist
A Nybbas, A Pretas, A Leonard;
One Death and Seven Death love me.

He used to love me.
He never loved me.
His self-love led to self-loathing
And I was exactly the same.

TM O TM

I feel his eyes on my breasts from beneath the sheets
My bedroom window is open so he can watch me
Mother disapproves of what we do in the dark
But I always remember her being a morning person
The days are too long and the nights too short
I'd spend everyday enveloped in his beauty if I could
I'm happiest when he's on top and I'm looking
In his eyes,at his handsome face
My favorite picture is of him on the lake
The fish,the plants,the water nymphs,the water itself
Nothing compares to his presence and glory
His hair is the color of mercury;his skin is like cream
Dal,Mahina,Alkina,Maan
A world traveler he goes by many different names
I call him Astennu:my knowledge,my serenity,mine.
He gives me love and in return I give him praise
We are equals...why would you take him from me?
You will kill him one day with your pollutant presence
And my body will feel light without him on top
I will waste away for my love has been cut short
But we would be together again in the spirit world
Noom.

For Giriboy: May I Be Half As Dope

I've always felt like I'm the one who's different
Never cared much for what they'd say
"A rebel without a cause"
"Like a singer without a song"
I could tell you were exactly like them
Arrogance was the only thing you knew
I couldn't help but like you though
Can't remember why this was so

What I liked about you's disappearing
I don't think that you can get it back
It feels like you're another genre
And I'm Hip Hop under attack
No longer feels like we're the same
It no longer feels as if we match
I guess you're just another genre
And I'm Hip Hop under attack

Only so far we can go
Before we destroy the both of us
I thought that together we would grow
Why can't that be?
I guess we are just too different "baby"
I've always liked the fact that
I was different
But meeting you was
Quite the difference
Meeting you was destiny
That much I know
If you still want me
Then let it show

To Whom It May Concern

There are things that come quite natural to me
Like curling my tongue or crossing my eyes
And others seem always out of reach
My fingers only look white because
They've been put against my dark skin
And Simon says I'm very smart
That glowing commendation makes me happy
But my mouth tastes of bitterness
My hips mean nothing
My ass means nothing
My legs mean nothing
My smile means nothing
Only my words mean something and what they do to you
Blinded?
You must be.
I'm so tired all the time dear
Be good. Be brave. Be there.
I'm getting too old for this bullshit
I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never have a turn
But act like you care goddammit
I'm sorry. This must be hard for you.
One day I hope you'll understand why I had to do this.
Have to do this.
It's just...it's been on my mind for a while now
And this is the reasonable thing
Smart girls. Isn't that what you told me?
It's necessary. You'll get it one day.
So forgive me.
It seems I'm going to have to kill you both before I leave here.

Childish

Little person in a big world
How is it that you survive?
Was learning meant to be so hard?
Or does it come natural, being alive?

The strength to go on
Seems out of my grasp
And the ability to reason
Is leaving me fast

Little person in a big world
How long does it take?
What happens in the end?
Can we really change fate?

I've been running from mine
Was that the right thing to do?
I heard monsters are beside me
Is that even true?

Little person in a big world
I've been away for a long time
I can't remember most things
Loneliness should be a crime

Glass doors all around
So it's impossible to hide
But I keep my eyes closed
And it weakens my stride

Little person in a big world
It seems you just disappeared
My existence is backwards
I guess that's why I'm called weird

You left a lot unanswered
I hope your stay here was good
Maybe next time you'll do more
I know I wish I could......

But it's too late.

Knowledge

I once met a boy in a black coat
Everything he did was good and pure
Everything he did was sanctioned
The gods chose him above all others

I once met a boy in a white coat.
He was the image of life itself
He was also chosen by the gods
His purpose was unclear

The boy in the white coat taught me many things.
How to breathe, how to eat, how to sleep. How to survive.
I learned that roses hurt if you get too close
And sad songs are sadder when you're alone.
Dreams are irrelevant unless they have meaning
And knives feel sharper against the skin.

The boy in the white coat showed me things I had never seen before.
What the birds did in their nests
What the owls said at night.
What happens when a tree falls
How the bees made their honey.
Pale skin against a dark one
All the wonders of the world.

The boy in the black coat was mad. One day he took the boy in the white coat away and came back alone. I asked him about it and he never responded.

I had a dream from the gods today
It was about the boy in the white coat
His purpose had been fulfilled
Because now I know.
About the birds and the bees
And the roses and the trees
About life.
I know now.

Damages

You fascinate me
You speak with your soul and not your lips
I am drawn to you in a way which
They would not approve
Almost perverse
The way my mind responds to yours

The darkness they run from is what I admire
The recognition of one just like me
Acceptance and solace
I can have one or the other
But I won't settle for less than both
I feel it with you

I'm content to just be there
Tell me everything about you, that's enough
Like the sun your rays are harmful
But necessary for survival
If I look straight at you I'll go blind
So I always keep my head down

I go unnoticed but that's fine
It's better this way
Perfection and destruction
Ride a fine line
And I'm too much of a coward
To destroy you

You Owe Me

You don't want me?
But you called me.
I've been watching you
Stalking you even
I placed the seed but you made it easy
A willing participant

You asked me to help you
And I did
I nursed you and gave you hope
False as it may have been
But you have only yourself to blame

You didn't want me to leave
Not really
I gave you the key and showed you the door
But you never took those steps
Instead you clung to me
And begged me to let you stay
So I did
It's funny
Isn't it?

You know it. I know it.
I'm the best thing that happened to you
I am your present
I am your future
There's nothing you could do but accept it
But you didn't
Choosing to run you fell
It wasn't my place to catch you

I killed you.
I did.
But that was the trade off
Your life for my support?
I gave you the chance you needed
And you let it slip away
So I watched you slip away
There's no time for quitters
But I made you happy if even for a while
The smiles, the laugh
That was all me
You can't deny it
You can't live without me so you have to go
And I have to move on
So as your eyes close I invite her in
The next one.

The Abyss

I stepped off the cliff and into the abyss.
My stomach fell 3000 ft at the speed of a race car.
My heart constricted
And my lungs deemed the air too thick to inhale.
It was black.
I recognized nothing.
There was just me and the air.
Gravity meant that I had to hit the bottom
But it was no where in sight.
There were no people, no animals, no cars, no buildings.
Just me.
I stretched out my hands in the hopes
That someone would rescue me then I pulled it back.
I needed no rescuing.
I gave it permission.
The wind sounded like screeching in my ears as I hurtled, downwards,
And I smiled.
My closed eyes saw the same darkness my eyes opened saw.
I gained momentum at an alarming rate but my heart beat the same.
Jealousyangerlovehatejealousyangerlovehate.
It's so bad that I can't breathe now but my smile never falters.
Peering into the abyss I found it.
I found it.
I.Found it.
And so I jumped.
Farewell to the abyss that wonderful eye opener.
And opened my eyes I did.
And then I hit the ground.

Growing Up

I watch them from afar
Their eyes bright with laughter
Their mouths filled with words
They do not know what I do
Caught between childhood and adulthood
Invincible.
They speak their minds
And do as they please
Consequences mean nothing
Pleasure means everything
But I know your future
Your smiles will turn to frowns
The glint will leave your eyes
And down trodden and hurt
Angry and helpless
You will wear my shoes.

Killer

Can you not?
I mean I don't want for you to be here
I took a look one time and fell
And then you were standing in front of me
I asked for your help
You laughed and smiled like I was playing
I wasn't

Instead you sank down next to me
Laid your head on my shoulder
Your residency was by my side
Lot No.17, Eleven 94 Drive

Can you please leave?
My heart struggles with my brain ever since you came
Demons haunt me in my sleep
And it's all your fault
Confused and alone I go crazy
But that's just it
I'm not alone; because you are here
I'm through with you
I tell myself to give up and focus,this isn't worth it
Then you grab my hand and caress me
And I'm back to where I started again
You on my shoulder and me hating myself

Why are you still here?
Because I let you of course
I convince myself that I don't need you but I do
You fuel me and push me to my best
I owe you one; you already know it
I can't survive without you but the poison is killing me
I change my name to hate because that's all I know now

Please stop
You're hurting me don't you see that?
A little of you is nice but please don't give me all of you
Stay with me okay?
I can't be myself without you now
You have consumed me until I cannot recognise myself

I stare at my hands the razor in my hand
I tear up as the blade dances across my wrists
You killed me
I love you
You place your arms around me and watch me bleed out
And I cling to you like I shouldn't
You smiled that same smile
The one when we first met
I slump to the floor,
You get up and leave
I watch you invite her in through closing eyes
The next one.

Acronyms

Don't be so enamored with people
Easily swayed, their loyalty is fake
Some are crafty and will trick you
They will come with sweet words and promises,
Readily you will accept
Only, they are lies and you'll regret it
Your hopes-shattered.
Teach yourself to rely on you
Hanging on will only cause you more pain
Ethereal thoughts of love confuse you
Making it hard to survive.
Always remember
Love is not a synonym for life
Life is not guaranteed.