3 a.m. calls, clandestine meets in the dark
Tentative touches and smiles in the bar
Hidden exchanges, messages in plain sight
Talks on the phone until you see the sunlight
You tell lies and excuses to cover your tracks
All the while she sits there ignoring the facts
Cause she can’t imagine life with no you
But you’ve already moved on to girl number 2
Sometimes you try to put the blame on me
And I can’t figure out why you can’t see
Decisions we make are always at us
You were the one to forfeit your trust
I’d be lying if I said I was sorry.
3 a.m. calls, clandestine meets in the dark
Tentative touches and smiles in the bar
Hidden exchanges, messages in plain sight
Talks on the phone until I see the sunlight
My mind invaded by thoughts of him
The moon is out and the lights are dim
A love that could surpass the seas
If only there was no you and me
Chemistry so strong that I can’t deny
You leave me always feeling high
But I know decisions we make are at us
Can’t decide if this is a want or a must
And I still can’t say that I’m sorry.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Wednesday, 15 February 2017
Wednesday, 1 October 2014
Foreign
I haven't written in such a long time that I feel somewhat hesitant about the way I'm about to word this so I apologize in advance if this isn't like my regular stuff. But just keep with me for a while. Some of you might or might not know I about a month ago I moved half way across the world to study in China. I've never ever before traveled so far and on my own nonetheless. Everything here is so new and exciting but it's also very very lonely. I didn't think I'd miss home so much but I do and I think about it everyday though I really am enjoying myself over here. There's a lot I have to say but I think this is the best way to put it right now. Thank you guys for reading and waiting on me for a while. I'm back though. And hopefully better.
在国家 I often felt alone
I was surrounded by so much love
That it suffocated me and I never knew
How to feel
在国家 I found a group of people
Who make being far away unbearable
I miss them a lot.
在国家 I was a part of something
Even if I didn't realize it at the time
It's lonely here
And as much as I would like to
I admit that I miss home
在国家 I was somebody
And here I am no one
I know it's up to me to change that
And I'm definitely up for the challenge
That doesn't make it easy though
在国家I know they miss me too
They tell me everyday
And that helps a lot
Social Networks are a bitch by the way
I've never felt so alone
I've never felt so strange
I've never felt so new
I've never felt so foreign.
你是哪国人？
I freeze because I don't know what to say
I'm from the place where the clear skies make your day
And the rain makes you happy and sad all at the same time
The sands feel like home and the sea your comfort
The sun is your best friend and worst enemy but you love it
The people are too friendly sometimes but that's okay
Where pleasure is the preferred method of payment
Laughter's a close second.
Where I buried the best man to ever be in my life
And found the one that was just a month too late
Where I found a boy who I'd do anything for
And a girl who's innocence makes me smile
Another who shows me unconditional support
And one who makes me laugh no matter what mood I'm in
And another who knows my soul for what it is.
But then I just smile and answer.
我是巴巴多斯人。
在国家 I often felt alone
I was surrounded by so much love
That it suffocated me and I never knew
How to feel
在国家 I found a group of people
Who make being far away unbearable
I miss them a lot.
在国家 I was a part of something
Even if I didn't realize it at the time
It's lonely here
And as much as I would like to
I admit that I miss home
在国家 I was somebody
And here I am no one
I know it's up to me to change that
And I'm definitely up for the challenge
That doesn't make it easy though
在国家I know they miss me too
They tell me everyday
And that helps a lot
Social Networks are a bitch by the way
I've never felt so alone
I've never felt so strange
I've never felt so new
I've never felt so foreign.
你是哪国人？
I freeze because I don't know what to say
I'm from the place where the clear skies make your day
And the rain makes you happy and sad all at the same time
The sands feel like home and the sea your comfort
The sun is your best friend and worst enemy but you love it
The people are too friendly sometimes but that's okay
Where pleasure is the preferred method of payment
Laughter's a close second.
Where I buried the best man to ever be in my life
And found the one that was just a month too late
Where I found a boy who I'd do anything for
And a girl who's innocence makes me smile
Another who shows me unconditional support
And one who makes me laugh no matter what mood I'm in
And another who knows my soul for what it is.
But then I just smile and answer.
我是巴巴多斯人。
Monday, 9 June 2014
Sirens
Countless "One Days"and "Once upon a times"
There isn't one I haven't read
But my story is different;
No fairy tales
Just a nightmare instead
The boy in black was no more
The boy in white was re-birthed
I made it my mission to save him
So his body I unearthed
He sat in my room all day
Lying next to me at night
He never says anything
Like he's given up the fight
But "One day" he spoke
And his voice was real clear
A god-like machine
There was no emotion there
"The world is a square so it's easy to cut corners,
Everyone's the same except all those damn foreigners,
The pretty girls are whores; the ugly ones aren't any better,
Boys will fuck anyone just depends on who's wetter.
Demons are contraband and Angels don't exist,
Luci and God? Make believe to govern those who resist,
Sex isn't everything;but it's pretty good though
It's the only thing I really missed when I was living down below"
When he was finished I realized my mistake
The boy in black was right all along
The boy in white was a fake
No savior,no answer,
No reassurance for my mind
He sat staring off with a faraway smile.
I rescued a poltergeist
A Nybbas, A Pretas, A Leonard;
One Death and Seven Death love me.
He used to love me.
He never loved me.
His self-love led to self-loathing
And I was exactly the same.
There isn't one I haven't read
But my story is different;
No fairy tales
Just a nightmare instead
The boy in black was no more
The boy in white was re-birthed
I made it my mission to save him
So his body I unearthed
He sat in my room all day
Lying next to me at night
He never says anything
Like he's given up the fight
But "One day" he spoke
And his voice was real clear
A god-like machine
There was no emotion there
"The world is a square so it's easy to cut corners,
Everyone's the same except all those damn foreigners,
The pretty girls are whores; the ugly ones aren't any better,
Boys will fuck anyone just depends on who's wetter.
Demons are contraband and Angels don't exist,
Luci and God? Make believe to govern those who resist,
Sex isn't everything;but it's pretty good though
It's the only thing I really missed when I was living down below"
When he was finished I realized my mistake
The boy in black was right all along
The boy in white was a fake
No savior,no answer,
No reassurance for my mind
He sat staring off with a faraway smile.
I rescued a poltergeist
A Nybbas, A Pretas, A Leonard;
One Death and Seven Death love me.
He used to love me.
He never loved me.
His self-love led to self-loathing
And I was exactly the same.
Sunday, 18 May 2014
Survival Guide: Dealing With Loneliness
In this age of technology where most of us are becoming a lot more closed off from the world;where we hide behind our computer keys and social media screen names,it's very easy to become lonely.It's not uncommon to be in a room full of people or be surrounded by friends and still feel like you're alone.Loneliness is an emotion,a state of being really,that can greatly affect our lives and how we view the world.There's a reason that loneliness is often connected to depression.Some people live their lives never having felt the need to be around people.But most of us and some point or the other,crave human companionship.
Loneliness can be a tricky thing to handle because some of us might not even realize we're lonely.Sometimes it takes seeing other people with their friends or loved ones to open your eyes and show you that something is missing from your existence.And just taken a random person to hang out with doesn't always fix the problem of loneliness because sometimes it's something medical(in which case you need a doctor and/or therapist).But there are ways that we can deal with it:
1)Hang out with people
If you're lonely, the obvious thing would be to connect with others.Maybe you're lonely because you're not comfortable with the circle you're currently in.Get in touch with that friend you lost touch of in school or try to make some new friends.Join a club or start a hobby that includes groups to help you out.
2)Talk about it
Whether it's to a parent,a sibling or some kind of professional,as cliche as it sounds talking about things really helps.Your loneliness may stem from an implicit occurrence that happened to you, like a friend moving away or the death of someone close.If that's the case you won't be able to fix it until you get to the root of the problem and the only way to do that is to talk it out.
3)Get a pet
For some people it's hard bonding with other human beings.Sometimes it's hard figuring out what to say and what not to say.But that doesn't mean you still don't want someone to come home to or tell your troubles to.It's nice having someone to feed off your enthusiasm or get excited when you come home from school or work even if it is just a cat or dog.Think of it as practice for working up to a real,live human being.
4)Get a hobby
It could just be something as simple as reading a book to something more detailed like learning a language or scuba-diving.A big part of loneliness is having too much time on your hands to sit and think about the fact that you don't have anyone around.It's easier to forget your problems when you have something fun or interesting to do and occupy your time.Who knows?You might really like it and start to forget about being lonely.
So those are just a couple ways I thought up(and use on occasion) to deal with loneliness.I hope they help you as much as I want them to.There are a lot of different things you can do but these will only work if you really put effort and time into them. They don't always work right away or on their own.Sometimes you have to use a whole bunch of methods until you get over your loneliness.But you can do it.
Loneliness can be a tricky thing to handle because some of us might not even realize we're lonely.Sometimes it takes seeing other people with their friends or loved ones to open your eyes and show you that something is missing from your existence.And just taken a random person to hang out with doesn't always fix the problem of loneliness because sometimes it's something medical(in which case you need a doctor and/or therapist).But there are ways that we can deal with it:
1)Hang out with people
If you're lonely, the obvious thing would be to connect with others.Maybe you're lonely because you're not comfortable with the circle you're currently in.Get in touch with that friend you lost touch of in school or try to make some new friends.Join a club or start a hobby that includes groups to help you out.
2)Talk about it
Whether it's to a parent,a sibling or some kind of professional,as cliche as it sounds talking about things really helps.Your loneliness may stem from an implicit occurrence that happened to you, like a friend moving away or the death of someone close.If that's the case you won't be able to fix it until you get to the root of the problem and the only way to do that is to talk it out.
3)Get a pet
For some people it's hard bonding with other human beings.Sometimes it's hard figuring out what to say and what not to say.But that doesn't mean you still don't want someone to come home to or tell your troubles to.It's nice having someone to feed off your enthusiasm or get excited when you come home from school or work even if it is just a cat or dog.Think of it as practice for working up to a real,live human being.
4)Get a hobby
It could just be something as simple as reading a book to something more detailed like learning a language or scuba-diving.A big part of loneliness is having too much time on your hands to sit and think about the fact that you don't have anyone around.It's easier to forget your problems when you have something fun or interesting to do and occupy your time.Who knows?You might really like it and start to forget about being lonely.
So those are just a couple ways I thought up(and use on occasion) to deal with loneliness.I hope they help you as much as I want them to.There are a lot of different things you can do but these will only work if you really put effort and time into them. They don't always work right away or on their own.Sometimes you have to use a whole bunch of methods until you get over your loneliness.But you can do it.
Saturday, 5 April 2014
To Whom It May Concern
There are things that come quite natural to me
Like curling my tongue or crossing my eyes
And others seem always out of reach
My fingers only look white because
They've been put against my dark skin
And Simon says I'm very smart
That glowing commendation makes me happy
But my mouth tastes of bitterness
My hips mean nothing
My ass means nothing
My legs mean nothing
My smile means nothing
Only my words mean something and what they do to you
Blinded?
You must be.
I'm so tired all the time dear
Be good. Be brave. Be there.
I'm getting too old for this bullshit
I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never have a turn
But act like you care goddammit
I'm sorry. This must be hard for you.
One day I hope you'll understand why I had to do this.
Have to do this.
It's just...it's been on my mind for a while now
And this is the reasonable thing
Smart girls. Isn't that what you told me?
It's necessary. You'll get it one day.
So forgive me.
It seems I'm going to have to kill you both before I leave here.
Like curling my tongue or crossing my eyes
And others seem always out of reach
My fingers only look white because
They've been put against my dark skin
And Simon says I'm very smart
That glowing commendation makes me happy
But my mouth tastes of bitterness
My hips mean nothing
My ass means nothing
My legs mean nothing
My smile means nothing
Only my words mean something and what they do to you
Blinded?
You must be.
I'm so tired all the time dear
Be good. Be brave. Be there.
I'm getting too old for this bullshit
I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never have a turn
But act like you care goddammit
I'm sorry. This must be hard for you.
One day I hope you'll understand why I had to do this.
Have to do this.
It's just...it's been on my mind for a while now
And this is the reasonable thing
Smart girls. Isn't that what you told me?
It's necessary. You'll get it one day.
So forgive me.
It seems I'm going to have to kill you both before I leave here.
Sunday, 23 March 2014
MEHTEVAS
If you've ever had that person in your life that you wanted to save then this one's for you. Human beings always have this tendency to want to pick someone up and try to change them. Boys will be attracted to a girl because she wore shorts and they always saw her legs and then expect her to just magically change and start wearing long skirts because they're together. And girls will choose the pretty boy because he's attractive but then be perplexed when all the other girls try to get at him. It's pretty silly when you think about it.
People can't, and more often than not, will not change overnight. It's just not in a our makeup. So it baffles me a lot when people attempt to change someone even if it is for the better or for their own good. It's kind of useless because that person won't ever change until they make a conscious decision on their own to do just that. It's a hard pill to swallow especially if you love the person whether it's a parent, child, boyfriend, girlfriend or even just a friend. The only thing we can really do is assess the situation and decide whether the traits we don't especially like about the other person are enough to make us leave them forever.
Maybe there's a savior complex in all of us and it just takes a certain person(s) to unleash it. Or maybe love just makes us so blind that at first we're dazzled by everything the person does until we get further in the relationship (whatever kind of relationship it is) and all the things that made us love them become annoying and overbearing. Whatever it is, sooner or later we have to realize that we just can't save someone. Not unless they want to be saved. The reality is the more you try to "save" them and change them, the further you'll push them away. And if you love the person enough to want to save them, then that in itself is just not worth it.
People can't, and more often than not, will not change overnight. It's just not in a our makeup. So it baffles me a lot when people attempt to change someone even if it is for the better or for their own good. It's kind of useless because that person won't ever change until they make a conscious decision on their own to do just that. It's a hard pill to swallow especially if you love the person whether it's a parent, child, boyfriend, girlfriend or even just a friend. The only thing we can really do is assess the situation and decide whether the traits we don't especially like about the other person are enough to make us leave them forever.
Maybe there's a savior complex in all of us and it just takes a certain person(s) to unleash it. Or maybe love just makes us so blind that at first we're dazzled by everything the person does until we get further in the relationship (whatever kind of relationship it is) and all the things that made us love them become annoying and overbearing. Whatever it is, sooner or later we have to realize that we just can't save someone. Not unless they want to be saved. The reality is the more you try to "save" them and change them, the further you'll push them away. And if you love the person enough to want to save them, then that in itself is just not worth it.
Monday, 17 February 2014
Childish
Little person in a big world
How is it that you survive?
Was learning meant to be so hard?
Or does it come natural, being alive?
The strength to go on
Seems out of my grasp
And the ability to reason
Is leaving me fast
Little person in a big world
How long does it take?
What happens in the end?
Can we really change fate?
I've been running from mine
Was that the right thing to do?
I heard monsters are beside me
Is that even true?
Little person in a big world
I've been away for a long time
I can't remember most things
Loneliness should be a crime
Glass doors all around
So it's impossible to hide
But I keep my eyes closed
And it weakens my stride
Little person in a big world
It seems you just disappeared
My existence is backwards
I guess that's why I'm called weird
You left a lot unanswered
I hope your stay here was good
Maybe next time you'll do more
I know I wish I could......
But it's too late.
How is it that you survive?
Was learning meant to be so hard?
Or does it come natural, being alive?
The strength to go on
Seems out of my grasp
And the ability to reason
Is leaving me fast
Little person in a big world
How long does it take?
What happens in the end?
Can we really change fate?
I've been running from mine
Was that the right thing to do?
I heard monsters are beside me
Is that even true?
Little person in a big world
I've been away for a long time
I can't remember most things
Loneliness should be a crime
Glass doors all around
So it's impossible to hide
But I keep my eyes closed
And it weakens my stride
Little person in a big world
It seems you just disappeared
My existence is backwards
I guess that's why I'm called weird
You left a lot unanswered
I hope your stay here was good
Maybe next time you'll do more
I know I wish I could......
But it's too late.
Monday, 27 January 2014
Kanyeah
If you're a rap head like I am you probably know Kanye West. Actually if you're not a rap head you still probably know Kanye West. As Kim Kardashian's "baby daddy" and the paparazzi's mortal enemy, Kanye is quite the celebrity. Kanye is many things. Some good and some bad. But one thing I think everyone should learn from Kanye is Kanye's confidence. It's funny because everyone thinks Kanye is really a cocky asshole and I have to admit Kanye does come across as such pretty much all the time. But why shouldn't Kanye be? I mean this guy Kanye has proven that Kanye is just as good as Kanye says. Every promise artistically Kanye's made, Kanye has delivered so why not proclaim how good Kanye is?
I do admit Kanye's methods are a bit unorthodox. Okay a lot unorthodox. But you can't fault Kanye's reasoning. I find that as human beings we like to down play our talents so we can fit in with everyone else or so others don't get jealous of us but that's so wrong. If you've worked hard all your life and made it big you should be able to be proud of yourself without someone calling you arrogant or cocky. And you know what's funny? It's the people whose talent isn't as good or who are bullshitting their way through life that like to take over the spotlight and proclaim that they're the best. We would let the Gucci Mane's of the world prosper before allowing Kanye West to claim his right. It's sad that society is teaching us that it's better just to keep your talent to yourself or be mediocre rather than praise those who are brilliant at what they do. Instead we should push everyone to feel great and have pride in whatever talent they have.
Maybe I'm a little biased because I love Kanye but personally if I made as much money as Kanye did and was as big as Kanye is I wouldn't give two flying fucks what people thought. I'd KNOW that I was that good. And that's not condoning Kanye being violent towards people or belittling others because I believe it's wrong but I'm all for Kanye's pride in Kanye's work. It's like Kendrick saying he's the King of New York. Why can't he be? He's fast proving himself to be one of the great rappers of our generation. If he feels that way then kudos to him. It's up to everyone else to prove him wrong IF he is.
I'm not even sure why I'm writing all of this except it's been a subject that I've felt strongly about for as long as I can remember. I think it has to do with my family. We're all pretty arrogant in our own right ha! But that kind of thinking has helped me so much over the years. Whenever for even a split second I believed someone who said I wasn't smart enough or good enough or even pretty enough, that pride I have automatically kicks in and I say fuck it. I am. And sometimes it doesn't work out to my favor but at least I showed them that I'm not scared of words. I can do whatever the hell I WANT to do. So thanks Kanye for having all the answers (ooo KanyexSway reference) and I hope I made some sense to you. (No I actually don't care)
I do admit Kanye's methods are a bit unorthodox. Okay a lot unorthodox. But you can't fault Kanye's reasoning. I find that as human beings we like to down play our talents so we can fit in with everyone else or so others don't get jealous of us but that's so wrong. If you've worked hard all your life and made it big you should be able to be proud of yourself without someone calling you arrogant or cocky. And you know what's funny? It's the people whose talent isn't as good or who are bullshitting their way through life that like to take over the spotlight and proclaim that they're the best. We would let the Gucci Mane's of the world prosper before allowing Kanye West to claim his right. It's sad that society is teaching us that it's better just to keep your talent to yourself or be mediocre rather than praise those who are brilliant at what they do. Instead we should push everyone to feel great and have pride in whatever talent they have.
Maybe I'm a little biased because I love Kanye but personally if I made as much money as Kanye did and was as big as Kanye is I wouldn't give two flying fucks what people thought. I'd KNOW that I was that good. And that's not condoning Kanye being violent towards people or belittling others because I believe it's wrong but I'm all for Kanye's pride in Kanye's work. It's like Kendrick saying he's the King of New York. Why can't he be? He's fast proving himself to be one of the great rappers of our generation. If he feels that way then kudos to him. It's up to everyone else to prove him wrong IF he is.
I'm not even sure why I'm writing all of this except it's been a subject that I've felt strongly about for as long as I can remember. I think it has to do with my family. We're all pretty arrogant in our own right ha! But that kind of thinking has helped me so much over the years. Whenever for even a split second I believed someone who said I wasn't smart enough or good enough or even pretty enough, that pride I have automatically kicks in and I say fuck it. I am. And sometimes it doesn't work out to my favor but at least I showed them that I'm not scared of words. I can do whatever the hell I WANT to do. So thanks Kanye for having all the answers (ooo KanyexSway reference) and I hope I made some sense to you. (No I actually don't care)
Wednesday, 8 January 2014
Damages
You fascinate me
You speak with your soul and not your lips
I am drawn to you in a way which
They would not approve
Almost perverse
The way my mind responds to yours
The darkness they run from is what I admire
The recognition of one just like me
Acceptance and solace
I can have one or the other
But I won't settle for less than both
I feel it with you
I'm content to just be there
Tell me everything about you, that's enough
Like the sun your rays are harmful
But necessary for survival
If I look straight at you I'll go blind
So I always keep my head down
I go unnoticed but that's fine
It's better this way
Perfection and destruction
Ride a fine line
And I'm too much of a coward
To destroy you
You speak with your soul and not your lips
I am drawn to you in a way which
They would not approve
Almost perverse
The way my mind responds to yours
The darkness they run from is what I admire
The recognition of one just like me
Acceptance and solace
I can have one or the other
But I won't settle for less than both
I feel it with you
I'm content to just be there
Tell me everything about you, that's enough
Like the sun your rays are harmful
But necessary for survival
If I look straight at you I'll go blind
So I always keep my head down
I go unnoticed but that's fine
It's better this way
Perfection and destruction
Ride a fine line
And I'm too much of a coward
To destroy you
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
Walk, Don't Run
It's a new year. The first day of the year always seems so clean and fresh like the first page in a new notebook or a new pair of shoes. Filled with infinite possibilities and opportunities, you can't help but feel a little anxious and excited about what the year is going to hold.
But if I've learned anything from last year or the years in front for that matter, is that no matter what you think is going to happen, life is gonna shit on all your hopes, dreams and goals. You have a plan? Better have a back up because life is as such that some part of it isn't going to go the way you planned.
So now that you've heard my first doom and gloom prediction of the year; some advice. Take your time this year. Spend some hours catching up with a friend you haven't seen in a while. Stay home a weekend and watch reruns with mom or dad. Take your little sister and brother to the beach or park for some sibling bonding. Don't be so quick to run; walk a little.This year will be rough financially. Some of our parents and friends might inevitably lose jobs. If you live in Barbados like I do and you're at uni, fees are going up. This year proves to hold a lot negative things so to combat that try your hardest to relax and give thanks for the little positives you have or will have. If you do that, when the bad things come at you it'll be a lot easier to handle them.
So here's to the new year and all the good and bad that it holds. Do your best and live life as best as you can. That's really all any of us can ask of ourselves...
But if I've learned anything from last year or the years in front for that matter, is that no matter what you think is going to happen, life is gonna shit on all your hopes, dreams and goals. You have a plan? Better have a back up because life is as such that some part of it isn't going to go the way you planned.
So now that you've heard my first doom and gloom prediction of the year; some advice. Take your time this year. Spend some hours catching up with a friend you haven't seen in a while. Stay home a weekend and watch reruns with mom or dad. Take your little sister and brother to the beach or park for some sibling bonding. Don't be so quick to run; walk a little.This year will be rough financially. Some of our parents and friends might inevitably lose jobs. If you live in Barbados like I do and you're at uni, fees are going up. This year proves to hold a lot negative things so to combat that try your hardest to relax and give thanks for the little positives you have or will have. If you do that, when the bad things come at you it'll be a lot easier to handle them.
So here's to the new year and all the good and bad that it holds. Do your best and live life as best as you can. That's really all any of us can ask of ourselves...
I'm weird. I get that alot.
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
Handle Yourself
If there's one thing I've learned in the past year is that I'm the only person I can really, truly rely on. That doesn't mean that my parents and my family and my friends wouldn't do everything in their power to help me but at the end of the day no one will want the best for me and will stay by me like how I will. I am my greatest ally and I can also be my worst enemy. Stop blaming everyone for your failures and praise yourself for your achievements. No one is stopping you from winning at life except for yourself. And I know there are some people out there who will make it their personal mission to see that you don't succeed because no matter what you do there's always going to be that one person who just doesn't like you for one reason or another but that's when you have to focus your energy and decide for you that you're going to show those people that they can't touch you; they can't stop you from gaining what's your birthright.
I believe that everyone is placed here for a reason. It's up to you to decide whether or not you're going to figure out your purpose and if you're going to pursue it. I'm pretty passionate about a lot of things and over the years I've had to give up some of my interests because of family matters and other things. At first I used to blame my parents, my teachers, this person and that person for, in the typical teenage way, "ruining my life". Then my mother sat me down one day and said enough is enough, "You're young. Right now you don't have the authority to do whatever you want but there will come a time when that is. Either you plan for that time and make up your mind to tackle all the things you couldn't before or forget about them and move on with life. Either way you have to stop blaming everyone because you decide for you." That has stayed with me for a very long time and I don't think I'll ever forget it. I try my hardest to live by that now and there are somethings I've decided for myself that I will pursue until death and then they're some I've decided weren't worth keeping up. Will I regret my decisions? I probably will. But that's all a part of growing up and I've come to realize you can't run from regrets. You have to acknowledge them and do better next time,try harder next time.
So if you don't take anything away from this post at least take this. There is absolutely NO ONE stopping you from achieving the things you want to achieve. It is true that you will not get everything in life you want because that's just the nature of our existence. We're faced everyday with disappointments. But taking responsibility for yourself and trying as hard as you can will decide whether 10 years,40 years down the road you can sit back and tell yourself "Job well done/ I did the best I could" or if you'll be tossing and turning at night thinking "Maybe I should have/What if?". Which one will you choose?
I believe that everyone is placed here for a reason. It's up to you to decide whether or not you're going to figure out your purpose and if you're going to pursue it. I'm pretty passionate about a lot of things and over the years I've had to give up some of my interests because of family matters and other things. At first I used to blame my parents, my teachers, this person and that person for, in the typical teenage way, "ruining my life". Then my mother sat me down one day and said enough is enough, "You're young. Right now you don't have the authority to do whatever you want but there will come a time when that is. Either you plan for that time and make up your mind to tackle all the things you couldn't before or forget about them and move on with life. Either way you have to stop blaming everyone because you decide for you." That has stayed with me for a very long time and I don't think I'll ever forget it. I try my hardest to live by that now and there are somethings I've decided for myself that I will pursue until death and then they're some I've decided weren't worth keeping up. Will I regret my decisions? I probably will. But that's all a part of growing up and I've come to realize you can't run from regrets. You have to acknowledge them and do better next time,try harder next time.
So if you don't take anything away from this post at least take this. There is absolutely NO ONE stopping you from achieving the things you want to achieve. It is true that you will not get everything in life you want because that's just the nature of our existence. We're faced everyday with disappointments. But taking responsibility for yourself and trying as hard as you can will decide whether 10 years,40 years down the road you can sit back and tell yourself "Job well done/ I did the best I could" or if you'll be tossing and turning at night thinking "Maybe I should have/What if?". Which one will you choose?
Friday, 29 November 2013
Call Me Reliabe
You live for your friends. You're the one everyone comes to for advice. The stable one. The designated driver, the shoulder to lean on, the first one to notice when something is up. But...it feels like whenever you need someone everyone is just conveniently preoccupied. I get you. It's hard being willing to give your all for and to people when it feels like you're third wheeling in most of your friendships and it's totally natural to feel like this. I know so many people who find themselves in this position a lot and find it difficult to just come out right and say hey.."my feelings are important too. I should have someone when I need them. "
In a way I'm that friend. Not really because my friends ignore me but just because I'm a private person and I tend to handle my own problems myself or just talk to my family since we're so close. Maybe it's the same way for you in which case you don't really have a problem. But you could just have self-centered friends who take you for granted and that's a big no-no. So here's a little something to help you deal with that:
1. Talk to your friends
Especially if you're a teenager, life is moving pretty fast. School,family,relationships. Sometimes you lose sight of some of the important stuff. Your friends might not even realise that they don't give you as much of their attention as they should and this can all be fixed simply by sitting them down and letting them know how you feel. And don't go all Degrassi on them and try to pin all the blame on them and start drama even if you feel that way. Try something like this, "Hey I know you've been busy a lot but lately I feel like we don't talk anymore. Let's hang out more." Invite them out or over for a sleepover. Easy and avoids hurting anyone's feelings.
2. Find new friends
This doesn't mean dump your old friends either. It just means that maybe you've reached the point in your friendship where your ideals and priorities just aren't the same anymore and you need like minded people around. It doesn't mean that you guys will stop hanging out and having fun together; it just means that you'll find someone else who you can talk to and who will be able to give you some much needed advice when you require it.
And there you have it. It really is that simple when it comes to dealing with this situation. I think what we forget a lot is that not everyone is going to be in your life forever. Some people are placed just to get you through a rough time. Some are going to be there forever and you'll grow old as friends. Some people are party friends and you can go to parties and limes and have a blast but you can't have serious conversations with. Then some people you can have infinite talks about the world and humanity but you'd rather just not go out with them. That's the nature of relationships and friendships and once you understand that life is going to go a whole lot easier for you.
In a way I'm that friend. Not really because my friends ignore me but just because I'm a private person and I tend to handle my own problems myself or just talk to my family since we're so close. Maybe it's the same way for you in which case you don't really have a problem. But you could just have self-centered friends who take you for granted and that's a big no-no. So here's a little something to help you deal with that:
1. Talk to your friends
Especially if you're a teenager, life is moving pretty fast. School,family,relationships. Sometimes you lose sight of some of the important stuff. Your friends might not even realise that they don't give you as much of their attention as they should and this can all be fixed simply by sitting them down and letting them know how you feel. And don't go all Degrassi on them and try to pin all the blame on them and start drama even if you feel that way. Try something like this, "Hey I know you've been busy a lot but lately I feel like we don't talk anymore. Let's hang out more." Invite them out or over for a sleepover. Easy and avoids hurting anyone's feelings.
2. Find new friends
This doesn't mean dump your old friends either. It just means that maybe you've reached the point in your friendship where your ideals and priorities just aren't the same anymore and you need like minded people around. It doesn't mean that you guys will stop hanging out and having fun together; it just means that you'll find someone else who you can talk to and who will be able to give you some much needed advice when you require it.
And there you have it. It really is that simple when it comes to dealing with this situation. I think what we forget a lot is that not everyone is going to be in your life forever. Some people are placed just to get you through a rough time. Some are going to be there forever and you'll grow old as friends. Some people are party friends and you can go to parties and limes and have a blast but you can't have serious conversations with. Then some people you can have infinite talks about the world and humanity but you'd rather just not go out with them. That's the nature of relationships and friendships and once you understand that life is going to go a whole lot easier for you.
Friday, 22 November 2013
Look Out for Arrows
You know that post I made about being okay with not knowing what you want to do with your life? Think of this as part two. I believe that everyone has something they're good at and if that fails, everyone has something that they love to do more than anything else in the world.
Part of the reason why I never realized what I wanted to do was because I was too caught up in worrying about what my parents wanted me to do and what others were doing. Every parent wants their kid to be a lawyer or doctor; something that makes money and will ensure the child's future but what they don't realize is that not everyone can have these jobs. I spent a lot of my time at secondary school struggling with subjects I just couldn't grasp and trying to come up with excuses to my parents why I wasn't getting the 90s that I was accustomed to in Primary school.
"Everyone in the class did bad." "That teacher just doesn't like me." "I didn't know there was a test."
Sounds familiar? Every excuse in the book ever created I'm pretty sure I used on my parents already. The fact of the matter was and still is I'm just not good at sciences and maths related subjects. I never could understand the logic behind numbers and I confess today I still think algebra is stupid. words meant something to me. I could manipulate them, bend them and I still wouldn't be wrong. I'd just be creative. That's what I was attracted to. The idea of controlling things and creating something I deemed worthy was always appealing to me and I ignored that gut feeling (nah not my baby hoho). That was my arrow pointing to the direction where I should take my life and I just completely missed it.
Arrows are basically all those little things that are pointing you in the direction you were called to go in. Keep failing English but get fantastic grades in Art? There's your arrow. You can't throw a ball straight to save your life but can memorize a choreography in little more than an hour? There's your arrow. People miss their arrows especially when they're in a creative field such as art, music or even literature because everyone tells you they're just "hobbies" and not careers but keep an eye out. Be always on the alert because you just might miss your calling and believe me. You don't want to spend your whole school life going in the wrong direction only to realize at 30 that you've made a huge mistake. The Arts are just as important as the sciences are any other discipline so if you have the talent utilize it.
And I know I know. I know you're going to say, "But my parents aren't going to pay for me to theater arts". Well it's up to you to convince them. Work as hard as you can. Join that dance troupe, sign up for that sports team ;work your ass off. I can almost guarantee you that when your parents see you working so hard they'll have to take notice and consider your way. What's your other choice? Ending up in a dead end job and unhappy? Sounds like fun.
Part of the reason why I never realized what I wanted to do was because I was too caught up in worrying about what my parents wanted me to do and what others were doing. Every parent wants their kid to be a lawyer or doctor; something that makes money and will ensure the child's future but what they don't realize is that not everyone can have these jobs. I spent a lot of my time at secondary school struggling with subjects I just couldn't grasp and trying to come up with excuses to my parents why I wasn't getting the 90s that I was accustomed to in Primary school.
"Everyone in the class did bad." "That teacher just doesn't like me." "I didn't know there was a test."
Sounds familiar? Every excuse in the book ever created I'm pretty sure I used on my parents already. The fact of the matter was and still is I'm just not good at sciences and maths related subjects. I never could understand the logic behind numbers and I confess today I still think algebra is stupid. words meant something to me. I could manipulate them, bend them and I still wouldn't be wrong. I'd just be creative. That's what I was attracted to. The idea of controlling things and creating something I deemed worthy was always appealing to me and I ignored that gut feeling (nah not my baby hoho). That was my arrow pointing to the direction where I should take my life and I just completely missed it.
Arrows are basically all those little things that are pointing you in the direction you were called to go in. Keep failing English but get fantastic grades in Art? There's your arrow. You can't throw a ball straight to save your life but can memorize a choreography in little more than an hour? There's your arrow. People miss their arrows especially when they're in a creative field such as art, music or even literature because everyone tells you they're just "hobbies" and not careers but keep an eye out. Be always on the alert because you just might miss your calling and believe me. You don't want to spend your whole school life going in the wrong direction only to realize at 30 that you've made a huge mistake. The Arts are just as important as the sciences are any other discipline so if you have the talent utilize it.
And I know I know. I know you're going to say, "But my parents aren't going to pay for me to theater arts". Well it's up to you to convince them. Work as hard as you can. Join that dance troupe, sign up for that sports team ;work your ass off. I can almost guarantee you that when your parents see you working so hard they'll have to take notice and consider your way. What's your other choice? Ending up in a dead end job and unhappy? Sounds like fun.
Sunday, 17 November 2013
The Real You
Looking around at school I see a lot of familiar faces of people who either went to Primary or Secondary school with me or grew up with me in my neighborhood or even went to Sunday school with me. It's strange cause I can't identify the person I'm looking at sometimes. It feels like mine is a generation hell bent on being anything else but themselves. All I see are carbon copies of the same mold and it's a bit daunting thinking about it. When did being yourself suddenly stop being enough? I know I'm preaching a sermon that you guys have probably heard a thousand times before but there's a damn good reason for that.
And believe me. I know a lot about wanting to fit in and being like everyone else. It's a method of survival that's been around for centuries now and it's a very effective one. Sometimes people become who they aren't just to feel a sense of belonging. But you know what? It's a trick because that feeling is fleeting. Sure you'll be happy to a certain extent because in a way you'll be accepted but you'll also be restricted. Is that worth it? Wouldn't it be better to be able to do whatever you want and say whatever you want without wondering whether or not your friends are going to drop you and move on to someone else or that your boyfriend/girlfriend will dump you for someone else? I'm sure it would. So why is everyone insisting on staying in friendships and relationships that are based on the lie of them acting like someone they're not?
I learned the lesson early that being someone that you're not isn't beneficial. It's better to be your real self and let others use that to decide whether or not they like you. In the past few years I've discovered a group of people that I love infinitely. I've shown them pretty much every side to me..the good the bad the ugly..and you know what? They're still here. And I'm not saying that we'll be friends forever because who knows what the future holds but it's a pretty great sign that even after all the bullshit we went through they're still here. I think that's the greatest test of friendships and relationships. When you can be 100% you and the person still sticks around to be there.
And I get it. We're young. So sometimes you don't even know who "you" is. I don't have all the answers and everyday I'm finding out new things about myself; what I can do, what I won't stand, what I'm capable of. That's all a part of growing up. You've got to learn who YOU are along the way. That being said, there are somethings that you've known about yourself all alone and it's those things that make up the core of you. Don;t change them. That's what makes you special;makes you the person who you are. Just be yourself. It's so worth it in the end it's almost crazy. That boy you dream of is gonna show up, that girl you want will be yours, that person you want to be friends with will notice you and when that happens, you can guarantee they'll like you for you. Now isn't that a better alternative to the dream your living right now?
And believe me. I know a lot about wanting to fit in and being like everyone else. It's a method of survival that's been around for centuries now and it's a very effective one. Sometimes people become who they aren't just to feel a sense of belonging. But you know what? It's a trick because that feeling is fleeting. Sure you'll be happy to a certain extent because in a way you'll be accepted but you'll also be restricted. Is that worth it? Wouldn't it be better to be able to do whatever you want and say whatever you want without wondering whether or not your friends are going to drop you and move on to someone else or that your boyfriend/girlfriend will dump you for someone else? I'm sure it would. So why is everyone insisting on staying in friendships and relationships that are based on the lie of them acting like someone they're not?
I learned the lesson early that being someone that you're not isn't beneficial. It's better to be your real self and let others use that to decide whether or not they like you. In the past few years I've discovered a group of people that I love infinitely. I've shown them pretty much every side to me..the good the bad the ugly..and you know what? They're still here. And I'm not saying that we'll be friends forever because who knows what the future holds but it's a pretty great sign that even after all the bullshit we went through they're still here. I think that's the greatest test of friendships and relationships. When you can be 100% you and the person still sticks around to be there.
And I get it. We're young. So sometimes you don't even know who "you" is. I don't have all the answers and everyday I'm finding out new things about myself; what I can do, what I won't stand, what I'm capable of. That's all a part of growing up. You've got to learn who YOU are along the way. That being said, there are somethings that you've known about yourself all alone and it's those things that make up the core of you. Don;t change them. That's what makes you special;makes you the person who you are. Just be yourself. It's so worth it in the end it's almost crazy. That boy you dream of is gonna show up, that girl you want will be yours, that person you want to be friends with will notice you and when that happens, you can guarantee they'll like you for you. Now isn't that a better alternative to the dream your living right now?
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Growing Up
I watch them from afar
Their eyes bright with laughter
Their mouths filled with words
They do not know what I do
Caught between childhood and adulthood
Invincible.
They speak their minds
And do as they please
Consequences mean nothing
Pleasure means everything
But I know your future
Your smiles will turn to frowns
The glint will leave your eyes
And down trodden and hurt
Angry and helpless
You will wear my shoes.
Their eyes bright with laughter
Their mouths filled with words
They do not know what I do
Caught between childhood and adulthood
Invincible.
They speak their minds
And do as they please
Consequences mean nothing
Pleasure means everything
But I know your future
Your smiles will turn to frowns
The glint will leave your eyes
And down trodden and hurt
Angry and helpless
You will wear my shoes.
Thursday, 7 November 2013
Killer
Can you not?
I mean I don't want for you to be here
I took a look one time and fell
And then you were standing in front of me
I asked for your help
You laughed and smiled like I was playing
I wasn't
Instead you sank down next to me
Laid your head on my shoulder
Your residency was by my side
Lot No.17, Eleven 94 Drive
Can you please leave?
My heart struggles with my brain ever since you came
Demons haunt me in my sleep
And it's all your fault
Confused and alone I go crazy
But that's just it
I'm not alone; because you are here
I'm through with you
I tell myself to give up and focus,this isn't worth it
Then you grab my hand and caress me
And I'm back to where I started again
You on my shoulder and me hating myself
Why are you still here?
Because I let you of course
I convince myself that I don't need you but I do
You fuel me and push me to my best
I owe you one; you already know it
I can't survive without you but the poison is killing me
I change my name to hate because that's all I know now
Please stop
You're hurting me don't you see that?
A little of you is nice but please don't give me all of you
Stay with me okay?
I can't be myself without you now
You have consumed me until I cannot recognise myself
I stare at my hands the razor in my hand
I tear up as the blade dances across my wrists
You killed me
I love you
You place your arms around me and watch me bleed out
And I cling to you like I shouldn't
You smiled that same smile
The one when we first met
I slump to the floor,
You get up and leave
I watch you invite her in through closing eyes
The next one.
Tuesday, 22 October 2013
Fanatic Attitudes
I've been listening to Trying To Be Cool By Phoenix featuring R.Kelly. It's a really great song and I'm absolutely in love with it. A really smooth sound and psychedelic vibe. I know what you're thinking. What's the point to all this right? Well there's a line in the song that goes, "Some fanatic attitude,we're both on" and it made me think of life and how sometimes we just aren't fanatic enough about the right things. I've known tons of people my age and even older and younger who just go bonkers for things that normally should make them go...huh? The trend nowadays for my age group is to be fanatic about "Trying To Be Cool". Me? It's hard enough to make myself fanatic enough about my studies and things that benefit me. Fitting in is the least of my worries. Don't get me wrong. Everyone craves acceptance and love from others. I'm guilty of it too. Of seeing a person and going okay..I want them to like me. But sometimes you have to step back and ask yourself if it's really worth getting fanatic about. I mean there's a pretty thin line between fanatic and well..crazy. So get fanatic about the right things. Make yourself go crazy in love with your new haircut, or that new book you just picked up. Go wild for that pretty dress you saw in that store and go wild with your friends in it when you hang. Be a fanatic over those good grades or that hobby you've been meaning to pick up for ages. Right now my crazy fix is writing. I'm pouring everything into it because it's worthwhile. Are you being a fanatic right now? Is the thing or even person you're crazy over, even worth it? Ask yourself that. You'll know what you should to when you can answer yourself. Honestly of course.
Tuesday, 15 October 2013
Who Am I?
A couple weeks ago in my creative writing class, my professor asked us (the other students and I) this question: Who Am I?
The basis of the exercise was to come up with a description of yourself to give the others an idea of who you are as an individual. You got the normal answers like "I'm 20 years old" or "I'm a Gemini" along with "I'm a shy person"/ "I'm a talker." After we had all read out our intros she looked at us again and asked the same question. Obviously we all just sat there. Didn't we just at length read out the facts of our lives? And then I realized. I still didn't know anything about the other students around me. Sure I knew their names and ages and even how many siblings they had. But those are things that could be found in other people.
So that left us with the obvious question, how can you really...truly...define yourself? What is the essence of you? What makes you different to anyone or everyone else for that matter? I could tell you my hopes and dreams; where I lived and who my friends were; what my parents did for a living, but would that tell you who I am? Would that make you able to say "She's unlike anyone else I've ever met."?
So the next time someone asks you, "Who are you?" really sit and think about it. Make sure that you're giving them an answer that makes them sure of who you are and tells them exactly what they need to get the essence of you. Unless you're trying to hide all that, in which case that's a post for another time.
The basis of the exercise was to come up with a description of yourself to give the others an idea of who you are as an individual. You got the normal answers like "I'm 20 years old" or "I'm a Gemini" along with "I'm a shy person"/ "I'm a talker." After we had all read out our intros she looked at us again and asked the same question. Obviously we all just sat there. Didn't we just at length read out the facts of our lives? And then I realized. I still didn't know anything about the other students around me. Sure I knew their names and ages and even how many siblings they had. But those are things that could be found in other people.
So that left us with the obvious question, how can you really...truly...define yourself? What is the essence of you? What makes you different to anyone or everyone else for that matter? I could tell you my hopes and dreams; where I lived and who my friends were; what my parents did for a living, but would that tell you who I am? Would that make you able to say "She's unlike anyone else I've ever met."?
So the next time someone asks you, "Who are you?" really sit and think about it. Make sure that you're giving them an answer that makes them sure of who you are and tells them exactly what they need to get the essence of you. Unless you're trying to hide all that, in which case that's a post for another time.
Sunday, 13 October 2013
Acronyms
Don't be so enamored with people
Easily swayed, their loyalty is fake
Some are crafty and will trick you
They will come with sweet words and promises,
Readily you will accept
Only, they are lies and you'll regret it
Your hopes-shattered.
Teach yourself to rely on you
Hanging on will only cause you more pain
Ethereal thoughts of love confuse you
Making it hard to survive.
Always remember
Love is not a synonym for life
Life is not guaranteed.
Easily swayed, their loyalty is fake
Some are crafty and will trick you
They will come with sweet words and promises,
Readily you will accept
Only, they are lies and you'll regret it
Your hopes-shattered.
Teach yourself to rely on you
Hanging on will only cause you more pain
Ethereal thoughts of love confuse you
Making it hard to survive.
Always remember
Love is not a synonym for life
Life is not guaranteed.
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