You Owe Me

You don't want me?
But you called me.
I've been watching you
Stalking you even
I placed the seed but you made it easy
A willing participant

You asked me to help you
And I did
I nursed you and gave you hope
False as it may have been
But you have only yourself to blame

You didn't want me to leave
Not really
I gave you the key and showed you the door
But you never took those steps
Instead you clung to me
And begged me to let you stay
So I did
It's funny
Isn't it?

You know it. I know it.
I'm the best thing that happened to you
I am your present
I am your future
There's nothing you could do but accept it
But you didn't
Choosing to run you fell
It wasn't my place to catch you

I killed you.
I did.
But that was the trade off
Your life for my support?
I gave you the chance you needed
And you let it slip away
So I watched you slip away
There's no time for quitters
But I made you happy if even for a while
The smiles, the laugh
That was all me
You can't deny it
You can't live without me so you have to go
And I have to move on
So as your eyes close I invite her in
The next one.

Survival Guide: New Year's Eve and Single

So all your friends are making plans for New Year's Eve (or Old Year's for us Caribbean folk) and are excited about the countdown reaching one and that glorious moment when they get to lock lips with "bae". It's annoying. I know. Being single around this time of year can be really a bummer especially if all your friends are not and ESPECIALLY especially if you're usually the one with the significant other. Being the only one by yourself when everyone is snuggled up in pairs sucks (believe me I know) but there are ways to get through this couple night, out-shadowed only by Valentine's Day, unscathed and having fun.

*Have other single friends? Grab 'em and hang out as much as possible together. Stick in a group and have some laughs. Make fun of all the partnered up people and pretend like you all don't care all while being bitter inside. There's nothing better than being around people who understand the struggle.

*Don't mind being alone? Respectfully decline that dinner or house party. Try hitting a new spot you've never been to. It's a good way to experience something new and see some unfamiliar faces. Who knows? You might even snag your own someone by the end of the night (amiright? :D )

*If you're not up to rubbing shoulders with others why not stay at home? Curl up in front of the television or laptop and watch your favorite movie with a nice glass of something liquored and some treats. You're guaranteed to feel good cause you're already doing something you like and you avoid those awkward pity looks you get when you're the third wheel...or fifth...or seventh...

*Avoid couple hangouts. Beach limes? With all that cold sea breeze you know the "Here babe let me warm you up" scenario is going to pop up sooner or later and as they say; hugging leads to raging sex (okay maybe they don't say that). Dinners? Even worse than limes cause you're stuck at the table watching people feed each other until the meal is over and you can wave your hand saying "Cheque please!" Try an office party or even family gathering. Someone's bound to make a fool of themselves and make everyone laugh (just make sure you're not the one lying down pretending to swim in a puddle of alcohol).


So those are some helpful tips for all you people out there (like myself) who will be partnerless and lonely for New Year's Eve. No one wants to be the odd one out. Simple human nature. But remember not having a boyfriend/girlfriend isn't any reason for you to not enjoy yourself and get pumped for a brand new year to begin so sit back, relax and toast to a new year (and hopefully a new partner v_v ).

The Boardwalk is definitely one of this island's selling points

Makes you okay with living here lol Fun day today :)

Handle Yourself

If there's one thing I've learned in the past year is that I'm the only person I can really, truly rely on. That doesn't mean that my parents and my family and my friends wouldn't do everything in their power to help me but at the end of the day no one will want the best for me and will stay by me like how I will. I am my greatest ally and I can also be my worst enemy. Stop blaming everyone for your failures and praise yourself for your achievements. No one is stopping you from winning at life except for yourself. And I know there are some people out there who will make it their personal mission to see that you don't succeed because no matter what you do there's always going to be that one person who just doesn't like you for one reason or another but that's when you have to focus your energy and decide for you that you're going to show those people that they can't touch you; they can't stop you from gaining what's your birthright.

I believe that everyone is placed here for a reason. It's up to you to decide whether or not you're going to figure out your purpose and if you're going to pursue it. I'm pretty passionate about a lot of things and over the years I've had to give up some of my interests because of family matters and other things. At first I used to blame my parents, my teachers, this person and that person for, in the typical teenage way, "ruining my life". Then my mother sat me down one day and said enough is enough, "You're young. Right now you don't have the authority to do whatever you want but there will come a time when that is. Either you plan for that time and make up your mind to tackle all the things you couldn't before or forget about them and move on with life. Either way you have to stop blaming everyone because you decide for you." That has stayed with me for a very long time and I don't think I'll ever forget it. I try my hardest to live by that now and there are somethings I've decided for myself that I will pursue until death and then they're some I've decided weren't worth keeping up. Will I regret my decisions? I probably will. But that's all a part of growing up and I've come to realize you can't run from regrets. You have to acknowledge them and do better next time,try harder next time.

So if you don't take anything away from this post at least take this. There is absolutely NO ONE stopping you from achieving the things you want to achieve. It is true that you will not get everything in life you want because that's just the nature of our existence. We're faced everyday with disappointments. But taking responsibility for yourself and trying as hard as you can will decide whether 10 years,40 years down the road you can sit back and tell yourself "Job well done/ I did the best I could" or if you'll be tossing and turning at night thinking "Maybe I should have/What if?". Which one will you choose?

Call Me Reliabe

You live for your friends. You're the one everyone comes to for advice. The stable one. The designated driver, the shoulder to lean on, the first one to notice when something is up. But...it feels like whenever you need someone everyone is just conveniently preoccupied. I get you. It's hard being willing to give your all for and to people when it feels like you're third wheeling in most of your friendships and it's totally natural to feel like this. I know so many people who find themselves in this position a lot and find it difficult to just come out right and say hey.."my feelings are important too. I should have someone when I need them. "

In a way I'm that friend. Not really because my friends ignore me but just because I'm a private person and I tend to handle my own problems myself or just talk to my family since we're so close. Maybe it's the same way for you in which case you don't really have a problem. But you could just have self-centered friends who take you for granted and that's a big no-no. So here's a little something to help you deal with that:

1. Talk to your friends 
     Especially if you're a teenager, life is moving pretty fast. School,family,relationships. Sometimes you lose sight of some of the important stuff. Your friends might not even realise that they don't give you as much of their attention as they should and this can all be fixed simply by sitting them down and letting them know how you feel. And don't go all Degrassi on them and try to pin all the blame on them and start drama even if you feel that way. Try something like this, "Hey I know you've been busy a lot but lately I feel like we don't talk anymore. Let's hang out more." Invite them out or over for a sleepover. Easy and avoids hurting anyone's feelings.

2. Find new friends
     This doesn't mean dump your old friends either. It just means that maybe you've reached the point in your friendship where your ideals and priorities just aren't the same anymore and you need like minded people around. It doesn't mean that you guys will stop hanging out and having fun together; it just means that you'll find someone else who you can talk to and who will be able to give you some much needed advice when you require it.

And there you have it. It really is that simple when it comes to dealing with this situation. I think what we forget a lot is that not everyone is going to be in your life forever. Some people are placed just to get you through a rough time. Some are going to be there forever and you'll grow old as friends. Some people are party friends and you can go to parties and limes and have a blast but you can't have serious conversations with. Then some people you can have infinite talks about the world and humanity but you'd rather just not go out with them. That's the nature of relationships and friendships and once you understand that life is going to go a whole lot easier for you.

Look Out for Arrows

You know that post I made about being okay with not knowing what you want to do with your life? Think of this as part two. I believe that everyone has something they're good at and if that fails, everyone has something that they love to do more than anything else in the world.

Part of the reason why I never realized what I wanted to do was because I was too caught up in worrying about what my parents wanted me to do and what others were doing. Every parent wants their kid to be a lawyer or doctor; something that makes money and will ensure the child's future but what they don't realize is that not everyone can have these jobs. I spent a lot of my time at secondary school struggling with subjects I just couldn't grasp and trying to come up with excuses to my parents why I wasn't getting the 90s that I was accustomed to in Primary school.
"Everyone in the class did bad." "That teacher just doesn't like me." "I didn't know there was a test."
Sounds familiar? Every excuse in the book ever created I'm pretty sure I used on my parents already. The fact of the matter was and still is I'm just not good at sciences and maths related subjects. I never could understand the logic behind numbers and I confess today I still think algebra is stupid. words meant something to me. I could manipulate them, bend them and I still wouldn't be wrong. I'd just be creative. That's what I was attracted to. The idea of controlling things and creating something I deemed worthy was always appealing to me and I ignored that gut feeling (nah not my baby hoho). That was my arrow pointing to the direction where I should take my life and I just completely missed it.

Arrows are basically all those little things that are pointing you in the direction you were called to go in. Keep failing English but get fantastic grades in Art? There's your arrow. You can't throw a ball straight to save your life but can memorize a choreography in little more than an hour? There's your arrow. People miss their arrows especially when they're in a creative field such as art, music or even literature because everyone tells you they're just "hobbies" and not careers but keep an eye out. Be always on the alert because you just might miss your calling and believe me. You don't want to spend your whole school life going in the wrong direction only to realize at 30 that you've made a huge mistake. The Arts are just as important as the sciences are any other discipline so if you have the talent utilize it.

And I know I know. I know you're going to say, "But my parents aren't going to pay for me to theater arts". Well it's up to you to convince them. Work as hard as you can. Join that dance troupe, sign up for that sports team ;work your ass off. I can almost guarantee you that when your parents see you working so hard they'll have to take notice and consider your way. What's your other choice? Ending up in a dead end job and unhappy? Sounds like fun.

The Abyss

I stepped off the cliff and into the abyss.
My stomach fell 3000 ft at the speed of a race car.
My heart constricted
And my lungs deemed the air too thick to inhale.
It was black.
I recognized nothing.
There was just me and the air.
Gravity meant that I had to hit the bottom
But it was no where in sight.
There were no people, no animals, no cars, no buildings.
Just me.
I stretched out my hands in the hopes
That someone would rescue me then I pulled it back.
I needed no rescuing.
I gave it permission.
The wind sounded like screeching in my ears as I hurtled, downwards,
And I smiled.
My closed eyes saw the same darkness my eyes opened saw.
I gained momentum at an alarming rate but my heart beat the same.
Jealousyangerlovehatejealousyangerlovehate.
It's so bad that I can't breathe now but my smile never falters.
Peering into the abyss I found it.
I found it.
I.Found it.
And so I jumped.
Farewell to the abyss that wonderful eye opener.
And opened my eyes I did.
And then I hit the ground.

The Real You

Looking around at school I see a lot of familiar faces of people who either went to Primary or Secondary school with me or grew up with me in my neighborhood or even went to Sunday school with me. It's strange cause I can't identify the person I'm looking at sometimes. It feels like mine is a generation hell bent on being anything else but themselves. All I see are carbon copies of the same mold and it's a bit daunting thinking about it. When did being yourself suddenly stop being enough? I know I'm preaching a sermon that you guys have probably heard a thousand times before but there's a damn good reason for that.

And believe me. I know a lot about wanting to fit in and being like everyone else. It's a method of survival that's been around for centuries now and it's a very effective one. Sometimes people become who they aren't just to feel a sense of belonging. But you know what? It's a trick because that feeling is fleeting. Sure you'll be happy to a certain extent because in a way you'll be accepted but you'll also be restricted. Is that worth it? Wouldn't it be better to be able to do whatever you want and say whatever you want without wondering whether or not your friends are going to drop you and move on to someone else or that your boyfriend/girlfriend will dump you for someone else? I'm sure it would. So why is everyone insisting on staying in friendships and relationships that are based on the lie of them acting like someone they're not?

I learned the lesson early that being someone that you're not isn't beneficial. It's better to be your real self and let others use that to decide whether or not they like you. In the past few years I've discovered a group of people that I love infinitely. I've shown them pretty much every side to me..the good the bad the ugly..and you know what? They're still here. And I'm not saying that we'll be friends forever because who knows what the future holds but it's a pretty great sign that even after all the bullshit we went through they're still here. I think that's the greatest test of friendships and relationships. When you can be 100% you and the person still sticks around to be there.

And I get it. We're young. So sometimes you don't even know who "you" is. I don't have all the answers and everyday I'm finding out new things about myself; what I can do, what I won't stand, what I'm capable of. That's all a part of growing up. You've got to learn who YOU are along the way. That being said, there are somethings that you've known about yourself all alone and it's those things that make up the core of you. Don;t change them. That's what makes you special;makes you the person who you are. Just be yourself. It's so worth it in the end it's almost crazy. That boy you dream of is gonna show up, that girl you want will be yours, that person you want to be friends with will notice you and when that happens, you can guarantee they'll like you for you. Now isn't that a better alternative to the dream your living right now?

Growing Up

I watch them from afar
Their eyes bright with laughter
Their mouths filled with words
They do not know what I do
Caught between childhood and adulthood
Invincible.
They speak their minds
And do as they please
Consequences mean nothing
Pleasure means everything
But I know your future
Your smiles will turn to frowns
The glint will leave your eyes
And down trodden and hurt
Angry and helpless
You will wear my shoes.

Killer

Can you not?
I mean I don't want for you to be here
I took a look one time and fell
And then you were standing in front of me
I asked for your help
You laughed and smiled like I was playing
I wasn't

Instead you sank down next to me
Laid your head on my shoulder
Your residency was by my side
Lot No.17, Eleven 94 Drive

Can you please leave?
My heart struggles with my brain ever since you came
Demons haunt me in my sleep
And it's all your fault
Confused and alone I go crazy
But that's just it
I'm not alone; because you are here
I'm through with you
I tell myself to give up and focus,this isn't worth it
Then you grab my hand and caress me
And I'm back to where I started again
You on my shoulder and me hating myself

Why are you still here?
Because I let you of course
I convince myself that I don't need you but I do
You fuel me and push me to my best
I owe you one; you already know it
I can't survive without you but the poison is killing me
I change my name to hate because that's all I know now

Please stop
You're hurting me don't you see that?
A little of you is nice but please don't give me all of you
Stay with me okay?
I can't be myself without you now
You have consumed me until I cannot recognise myself

I stare at my hands the razor in my hand
I tear up as the blade dances across my wrists
You killed me
I love you
You place your arms around me and watch me bleed out
And I cling to you like I shouldn't
You smiled that same smile
The one when we first met
I slump to the floor,
You get up and leave
I watch you invite her in through closing eyes
The next one.

Ordinary Love Shit

When you're a teenager or young adult one of the things that seems to define you is your interaction with those of the opposite sex. If you had too many girlfriends, if you had too little boyfriends, if you're a virgin, if you're not.  My personality dictates that I can only truly open up to those who I've known for a certain amount of time or who I feel a deep connection with so I've never been that girl who found talking to boys that easy. That and the obvious fact that I'm not the type of girl boys seem to like that much lol

Like most girls I do crave affection and someone to be with but at the same time I'm not that great at compromising and I do admit to being a bit of a narcissist. I like knowing that I have control over all the situations I'm in and when I don't I get lost. Even in my friendships I'm learning everyday how to be there for people and how not to be as crude as I wish I could be with some. So finding the right person to be my boyfriend is proving to be difficult.

So I decided this year that I wasn't going to try to look. I'd focus on school and writing and what ever happens happens. For a while that was working and I was happy (and don't get me wrong I'm still pretty happy) but I'd be lying if I didn't say it was easier when none of my friends didn't have boyfriends or boys who they're "talking to". It does kinda hurt when everyone is out on dates and I'm left at home on the internet watching scary movies alone but that's beside the point. I guess my point is... what do we really want?

Some days I'm great by myself and I'm like fuck relationships then some days I'm whiny and keep saying I want one. Is that just me or is that human nature? Theoretically  I have everything I could get from a relationship. I almost always have company since my friends and I are so close. I get affection from my family and close friends so I don't feel unloved. My writing has been going pretty well so it's not feeling underachieved. What then is my emotions craving? It's hard to figure it out and a part of me wonders if I should even try to figure it out.  Being this young is hard man.