In a Timing

There will come a time when we cease to exist.
I'll almost remember that time when we almost did that thing;
I'll forget all the bad times; all the arguments,
"We never used to fight"
I'll say fondly when someone asks of you.
I'll only remember your touch and your smile,
2 a.m conversations that ended in 5 a.m sex.
Or should I say love making.......
Was it really though...love?
It must have been.
Why else don't I remember all the bad times, all the arguments?
I only think of your wit and your off-table humor.
It must have been!
Because I remember long walks after hours to your place in the dark-
Corridor lights flickering on and off-
Blinds wide open for the world to see our silhouettes entangled Just like our hearts,
Or maybe just mine...
What was his name again?
Every time I'll have to try just a little harder to think what it was,
Dive a little deeper just to resurface with a picture of your face.

There will come a time when we cease to exist,
And at that time I'll call you perfect.

Foreign

I haven't written in such a long time that I feel somewhat hesitant about the way I'm about to word this so I apologize in advance if this isn't like my regular stuff. But just keep with me for a while. Some of you might or might not know I about a month ago I moved half way across the world to study in China. I've never ever before traveled so far and on my own nonetheless. Everything here is so new and exciting but it's also very very lonely. I didn't think I'd miss home so much but I do and I think about it everyday though I really am enjoying myself over here. There's a lot I have to say but I think this is the best way to put it right now. Thank you guys for reading and waiting on me for a while. I'm back though. And hopefully better.


在国家 I often felt alone
I was surrounded by so much love
That it suffocated me and I never knew
How to feel

在国家 I found a group of people
Who make being far away unbearable
I miss them a lot.

在国家 I was a part of something
Even if I didn't realize it at the time
It's lonely here
And as much as I would like to
I admit that I miss home

在国家 I was somebody
And here I am no one
I know it's up to me to change that
And I'm definitely up for the challenge
That doesn't make it easy though

在国家I know they miss me too
They tell me everyday
And that helps a lot
Social Networks are a bitch by the way

I've never felt so alone
I've never felt so strange
I've never felt so new
I've never felt so foreign.

你是哪国人？
I freeze because I don't know what to say
I'm from the place where the clear skies make your day
And the rain makes you happy and sad all at the same time
The sands feel like home and the sea your comfort
The sun is your best friend and worst enemy but you love it
The people are too friendly sometimes but that's okay
Where pleasure is the preferred method of payment
Laughter's a close second.
Where I buried the best man to ever be in my life
And found the one that was just a month too late
Where I found a boy who I'd do anything for
And a girl who's innocence makes me smile
Another who shows me unconditional support
And one who makes me laugh no matter what mood I'm in
And another who knows my soul for what it is.
But then I just smile and answer.
我是巴巴多斯人。

Two Shots

      The doorbell was ringing. It took all my strength to make my way to the door, my lethargy being at its highest. The ringing continued until I was right before the door with my hand outstretched to turn the handle and then it stopped. I hesitated for a second before shrugging and opened it. And there it was. A simple cardboard box. One of those ones you see in offices where you assembled them yourself. White and completely void of any writing or print. I frowned not remembering having ordered anything in the past couple of weeks; even months. I bent over and lifted it then quickly let it fall. It was heavier than I had estimated.  I steadied myself and tried again grunting over the strain of the weight. I used my foot to open up the door a little more so I could get through and carried the heavy box to the dining room table. Setting it down I moved back to close the front door. The telephone rang 6 times before it went to voicemail. “Hey it’s me. Haven’t heard you in a while and I’m just checking in...so...yeah. Give me call when you can. Bye!” The television was still on and the laugh track on the obnoxious sitcom was loud in my ears. Same day. Same sequence. I was getting real tired of doing this every day. Only the box was different. Oh right, the box. I moved to the kitchen and found a knife to cut it open then went into the dining room. It was pretty big. Large enough to hold a gaming console or a designer bag none of which I had purchased. I frowned again and started to cut it open, folding the flaps back.

    Dark, bare, smooth, shiny, stiff, cold. It was a boy. He looked to be about 4 or 5 which would explain why he so easily fit inside. He was positioned how I imagine a fetus lies in its mother’s womb; with his knees tucked up to his chest and his hands curled under his chin. His eyes were closed and his lips slightly apart. He could’ve been asleep except for the fact that he wasn’t.  Skin so clean and unmarked that I almost thought he was a doll. No being could be this perfect. I stared into the box for minutes before I moved, arms shaking I lifted him. My eyes traced his little face tenderly and I could feel warmth originating from the soles of my feet, touching every corner of my body. Love. I already loved him. I walked with him through the dining room to the stairs which would take me to the Treasure Room. I climbed the stairs feeling every groove beneath my feet, skin tingling with anticipation. Good thing I always forgot to shut the door.

   I loved the Treasure Room because there were all sorts of…prizes. And I was sure he would love being in the Treasure Room too. Just like all the other good boys. I gently placed him on the fluffy carpet, face up and set next to him holding his hand. We spoke for hours. About his favorite toys and his best friends; which teacher gave him trouble at school and if he liked firemen; whether Superman or Batman would win in a battle; if he knew what real love was. His laugh clenched my heart and stirred something deep in my stomach. His skin was cool to the touch and I felt him tremble as my fingers got lower. I took everything off. First my shirt, then my pants, then my underwear. All the while his eyes were closed and he exhaled and inhaled quickly in pleasant anticipation. He was so lovely. We played for a long time. Doctor has always been one of my favorites. His on the other hand, was Mommy and Daddy. And then I carried him to the bed and put him down gently before climbing in myself. I turned him so he faced me but his eyes were still closed. I guess he was just enjoying the moment. I pulled him to me and wrapped my arms around him. He fit snugly into my arms as if he was designed especially for me and then I realized.

He was a gift.
For the first time in months I smiled.
God’s son had returned.

The Color Wheel

If all the world was blue and gold
Far as the eye could see
I'd travel in a pirate ship
With hopes you'd follow me
If all the world was grey and white
And the sea(like crystal)clear
I'd search its very jungles whole
In hopes I'd find you there

If all the world was red and black
Like fire burning bright
I'd find a way to dim it down
You'd be my only light
If all the world was green and brown
With trees on every street
I'd spend my day composing songs
To lay before your feet

If all the world was bottled up
In glass of colors five
I'd shatter it and set you free
To keep you safe;alive
And when the Empire crumbles to the floor
And the world reveals its core
The colors will all disappear;
And you'll find me there

Standing beside you.It's just you and me.

Sirens

Countless "One Days"and "Once upon a times"
There isn't one I haven't read
But my story is different;
No fairy tales
Just a nightmare instead

The boy in black was no more
The boy in white was re-birthed
I made it my mission to save him
So his body I unearthed

He sat in my room all day
Lying next to me at night
He never says anything
Like he's given up the fight
But "One day" he spoke
And his voice was real clear
A god-like machine
There was no emotion there

"The world is a square so it's easy to cut corners,
Everyone's the same except all those damn foreigners,
The pretty girls are whores; the ugly ones aren't any better,
Boys will fuck anyone just depends on who's wetter.
Demons are contraband and Angels don't exist,
Luci and God? Make believe to govern those who resist,
Sex isn't everything;but it's pretty good though
It's the only thing I really missed when I was living down below"

When he was finished I realized my mistake
The boy in black was right all along
The boy in white was a fake
No savior,no answer,
No reassurance for my mind
He sat staring off with a faraway smile.
I rescued a poltergeist
A Nybbas, A Pretas, A Leonard;
One Death and Seven Death love me.

He used to love me.
He never loved me.
His self-love led to self-loathing
And I was exactly the same.

TM O TM

I feel his eyes on my breasts from beneath the sheets
My bedroom window is open so he can watch me
Mother disapproves of what we do in the dark
But I always remember her being a morning person
The days are too long and the nights too short
I'd spend everyday enveloped in his beauty if I could
I'm happiest when he's on top and I'm looking
In his eyes,at his handsome face
My favorite picture is of him on the lake
The fish,the plants,the water nymphs,the water itself
Nothing compares to his presence and glory
His hair is the color of mercury;his skin is like cream
Dal,Mahina,Alkina,Maan
A world traveler he goes by many different names
I call him Astennu:my knowledge,my serenity,mine.
He gives me love and in return I give him praise
We are equals...why would you take him from me?
You will kill him one day with your pollutant presence
And my body will feel light without him on top
I will waste away for my love has been cut short
But we would be together again in the spirit world
Noom.

Survival Guide: Dealing With Loneliness

In this age of technology where most of us are becoming a lot more closed off from the world;where we hide behind our computer keys and social media screen names,it's very easy to become lonely.It's not uncommon to be in a room full of people or be surrounded by friends and still feel like you're alone.Loneliness is an emotion,a state of being really,that can greatly affect our lives and how we view the world.There's a reason that loneliness is often connected to depression.Some people live their lives never having felt the need to be around people.But most of us and some point or the other,crave human companionship.

Loneliness can be a tricky thing to handle because some of us might not even realize we're lonely.Sometimes it takes seeing other people with their friends or loved ones to open your eyes and show you that something is missing from your existence.And just taken a random person to hang out with doesn't always fix the problem of loneliness because sometimes it's something medical(in which case you need a doctor and/or therapist).But there are ways that we can deal with it:

1)Hang out with people
   If you're lonely, the obvious thing would be to connect with others.Maybe you're lonely because you're not comfortable with the circle you're currently in.Get in touch with that friend you lost touch of in school or try to make some new friends.Join a club or start a hobby that includes groups to help you out.

2)Talk about it
    Whether it's to a parent,a sibling or some kind of professional,as cliche as it sounds talking about things really helps.Your loneliness may stem from an implicit occurrence that happened to you, like a friend moving away or the death of someone close.If that's the case you won't be able to fix it until you get to the root of the problem and the only way to do that is to talk it out.

3)Get a pet
   For some people it's hard bonding with other human beings.Sometimes it's hard figuring out what to say and what not to say.But that doesn't mean you still don't want someone to come home to or tell your troubles to.It's nice having someone to feed off your enthusiasm or get excited when you come home from school or work even if it is just a cat or dog.Think of it as practice for working up to a real,live human being.

4)Get a hobby
   It could just be something as simple as reading a book to something more detailed like learning a language or scuba-diving.A big part of loneliness is having too much time on your hands to sit and think about the fact that you don't have anyone around.It's easier to forget your problems when you have something fun or interesting to do and occupy your time.Who knows?You might really like it and start to forget about being lonely.

So those are just a couple ways I thought up(and use on occasion) to deal with loneliness.I hope they help you as much as I want them to.There are a lot of different things you can do but these will only work if you really put effort and time into them. They don't always work right away or on their own.Sometimes you have to use a whole bunch of methods until you get over your loneliness.But you can do it.

For Giriboy: May I Be Half As Dope

I've always felt like I'm the one who's different
Never cared much for what they'd say
"A rebel without a cause"
"Like a singer without a song"
I could tell you were exactly like them
Arrogance was the only thing you knew
I couldn't help but like you though
Can't remember why this was so

What I liked about you's disappearing
I don't think that you can get it back
It feels like you're another genre
And I'm Hip Hop under attack
No longer feels like we're the same
It no longer feels as if we match
I guess you're just another genre
And I'm Hip Hop under attack

Only so far we can go
Before we destroy the both of us
I thought that together we would grow
Why can't that be?
I guess we are just too different "baby"
I've always liked the fact that
I was different
But meeting you was
Quite the difference
Meeting you was destiny
That much I know
If you still want me
Then let it show

Swim Good

Hotel Room
Ocean View
Swim Good....


    Sitting high in her tower she dreams. Through the opened window overlooking the sea, she watches the ships sail. Sometimes leaving, sometimes coming but always filled with possibilities. The Lady was her favorite. It wasn't the biggest boat and it wasn't the prettiest but there was something about it. No matter how many times she watched it come and go she could never realise what it was until that day. He was new to the crew. He noticed her one day looking out of her tower window. "Who is that? In the window?" he would ask everyone around him and they would just smile. For a week he stared at the window; every night until he finally got the courage to approach it. Deep breath. Here we go now. Over the pier. Almost there now. He was surprised to see no entrance into the tower. Frowning he decided to call to her. "Ahoy up there!" She looked outside and saw him, trying to hold onto his sailor cap as the night air blew fiercely. Tilting her head she frowned not knowing why he was there. "Hullo, isn't there a way to get inside?" She smiled sadly and shook her head, then looked past him into the night. "What are you looking at?" He looked back trying to see what it was she saw but could only make out the black velvet of the night. What a strange girl. Since he couldn't seem to get a word out of her, he decided to find a way into the tower. He took a walk all around the structure, even tapping its walls just in case there was some sort of secret passage but came up empty. After a few hours, dejected and tired, he decided to call it quits for the night. It's so dark. I'll come back tomorrow when it's light and maybe I'll see something I missed! With that thought giving him hope, he went back around to her window and waved at her with a smile then made his way back to the ship.

Good. He's gone. I thought he would never leave. "Nathaniel,he seems like a good boy." Boys are never good my dear. And besides, you know if Luke ever sees him he'll be in danger. Do you remember what happened to the other one? "You're right as always. But I'm tired of being alone. I like this one." If you like him you'll stay away. For both your sakes.
   
    The next day the sailor was at it again. He slipped out during the afternoon while all his fellow shipmates were having lunch and made his way across the pier to the tower. "Hello inside~ It's me again." He waited under her window until he saw her solemnly leaned her head out. She tilted it at him and frowned. "Are you quite sure there's no way in?" She shrugged non-committal, and went back inside. I guess I'm doing this on my own then. For three days he went back to the tower in search of a way in. Each time he tried to get her to speak and each day she refused to. Each day he he got more and more determined to get to her. On the fourth day he carried with him a rope and some stones. Tying a stone to the end of the rope he threw thee rope toward the window until he finally got it in. She ran to the window and leaned out with wide eyes when the rope flew into her room. He grinned up at her and saluted. "Can you find something to tie it onto?" She nodded slowly, still wide eyed, then moved to tie the rope to the leg of her bed.
   
     What are you doing? Luke is going to be mad! "I can't live like this anymore Nathaniel. I'm going crazy inside of this place. I have to leave." Don't say I didn't warn you..She pulled on it to make sure it was really secure then ran back to the window. "Did you do it?" She nodded quickly. "Alright. I'll be back tonight and you can come down then okay?" She smiled down at him and he made his way back to the ship, happily awaiting the moment he would finally meet the strange girl in the tower. She paced and bit her nails all the while she waited for her sailor. Soon she fell asleep and before she knew it, night had fallen. She heard his happy whistle as he approached the tower and she prepared herself to leave. And where are you going? "Luke!..I..I'm leaving the tower. You can't keep me locked up in here forever." You're never leaving this tower as long as I have breath. I control you my dear. If you try to leave you know what will happen to you and your friend. Luke please. Don't be hasty now. Stay out of this Nathaniel. If you had let me punish her the last time like I wanted to we wouldn't be in this mess again. "Shut up! Both of you! I'm going and there's nothing anyone can do." You'll be sorry.   
    The happy sailor finally got to the tower and called out to the girl in the tower. He grinned when he saw her peeked out of the window. "Are you scared?" She bit her lip and nodded. "It's okay. I won't let anything bad happen." She glanced back into the room then squared her shoulders and began to climb down the rope. Her heart beat rapidly as she made her way down, then finally her feet touched the ground for the first time. She turned around, finally able to meet him face to face. "You're even more beautiful than I could see from up there." He reached out and stroked her cheek, and she leaned into his touch closing her eyes and pausing for a few moments. "I'm happy you came for me." His eyes widened. "You...talk?" She smiled, her eyes still closed then she slowly opened them and he was afraid. "Are you ready to leave here forever? With me?" She grabbed his hand earnestly. "Y-Yes. I am." "Then let's go."
   
Luke. Luke what did you do? Don't worry Nathaniel. She won't be disobeying us anymore. And that sailor won't give us any more trouble. Luke...I have a bad feeling. What did you do? Don't worry. It's all taken care of.

There's an old legend in a small little fishing town where there's an old tower. They say when the moon rests behind the clouds and the night turns to velvet black, that the screams of a young girl can be heard down by the sea. And if you look very closely you will see the body of a young man in a sailor suit. His body half beneath the surface of the water. 

Beautiful
Ocean View
Swim Good....

To Whom It May Concern

There are things that come quite natural to me
Like curling my tongue or crossing my eyes
And others seem always out of reach
My fingers only look white because
They've been put against my dark skin
And Simon says I'm very smart
That glowing commendation makes me happy
But my mouth tastes of bitterness
My hips mean nothing
My ass means nothing
My legs mean nothing
My smile means nothing
Only my words mean something and what they do to you
Blinded?
You must be.
I'm so tired all the time dear
Be good. Be brave. Be there.
I'm getting too old for this bullshit
I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never have a turn
But act like you care goddammit
I'm sorry. This must be hard for you.
One day I hope you'll understand why I had to do this.
Have to do this.
It's just...it's been on my mind for a while now
And this is the reasonable thing
Smart girls. Isn't that what you told me?
It's necessary. You'll get it one day.
So forgive me.
It seems I'm going to have to kill you both before I leave here.