The Game

3 a.m. calls, clandestine meets in the dark
Tentative touches and smiles in the bar
Hidden exchanges, messages in plain sight
Talks on the phone until you see the sunlight
You tell lies and excuses to cover your tracks
All the while she sits there ignoring the facts
Cause she can’t imagine life with no you
But you’ve already moved on to girl number 2
Sometimes you try to put the blame on me
And I can’t figure out why you can’t see
Decisions we make are always at us
You were the one to forfeit your trust
I’d be lying if I said I was sorry.

3 a.m. calls, clandestine meets in the dark
Tentative touches and smiles in the bar
Hidden exchanges, messages in plain sight
Talks on the phone until I see the sunlight
My mind invaded by thoughts of him
The moon is out and the lights are dim
A love that could surpass the seas
If only there was no you and me
Chemistry so strong that I can’t deny
You leave me always feeling high
But I know decisions we make are at us
Can’t decide if this is a want or a must
And I still can’t say that I’m sorry.

Shitless

   This is the 3rd time you've thrown up for the morning. In the pit of your stomach you have a bad feeling about this. But that just might be the Chinese food you had as a midnight snack last night. Never eat two day old leftovers especially if it's Chinese. That's it definitely. Food poisoning. "Food poisoning?" The little voice in your head snorts. You decide to ignore it. 
   You resolve you'll skip class today and head straight for the pharmacy. A quick shower and outfit change later and you're standing in front of the pharmacist, edgy and twitching because you believe the he's judging you, but really he could give less of shit, cause let's face it. A 65 year old pharmacist has pretty much seen it all. You purchase the pregnancy test. Actually you bought 10. So...tests.
    You're sitting now on the bathroom floor. It's cold and extremely wet. Your roommate never could quite master the act of moping up after her showers. Your shorts are soaked right through but you don't seem to notice. You throw up for the 10th time today. The test sits on the edge of the bathroom sink. What really is 2 minutes feels like an eternity. The alarm on your phone startles you and you jump. You're hardly ever afraid but today you're scared shitless. You slowly stand and make your way over to the sink. A thousand thoughts race through your mind and none of them make any sense. You close your eyes tightly and take a deep breath then slowly exhale. Here goes nothing. In fact, here goes everything. You take up the stick and stare at it.
    This is how your roommate finds you when she comes home from class; sitting on the toilet, staring at the stick. "Holy shit! Are you...?" She snatches it from your hand then lets out a sigh of relief. "Oh it's 1 line. You are so lucky." She places it back down on the sink. "Hey what's wrong with you? Shouldn't you be doing back flips or something right now? Hello?" She lets out an exasperated sigh and leaves the bathroom, shaking her head and mumbling something about white chicks are crazy.
    You sit there knowing she's right. You wonder if something really is wrong with you. Maybe you really are crazy. Because you can't quite seem to shake the little pang of disappointment in the pit of your stomach. You throw up for the 23rd time today.

In a Timing

There will come a time when we cease to exist.
I'll almost remember that time when we almost did that thing;
I'll forget all the bad times; all the arguments,
"We never used to fight"
I'll say fondly when someone asks of you.
I'll only remember your touch and your smile,
2 a.m conversations that ended in 5 a.m sex.
Or should I say love making.......
Was it really though...love?
It must have been.
Why else don't I remember all the bad times, all the arguments?
I only think of your wit and your off-table humor.
It must have been!
Because I remember long walks after hours to your place in the dark-
Corridor lights flickering on and off-
Blinds wide open for the world to see our silhouettes entangled Just like our hearts,
Or maybe just mine...
What was his name again?
Every time I'll have to try just a little harder to think what it was,
Dive a little deeper just to resurface with a picture of your face.

There will come a time when we cease to exist,
And at that time I'll call you perfect.

Foreign

I haven't written in such a long time that I feel somewhat hesitant about the way I'm about to word this so I apologize in advance if this isn't like my regular stuff. But just keep with me for a while. Some of you might or might not know I about a month ago I moved half way across the world to study in China. I've never ever before traveled so far and on my own nonetheless. Everything here is so new and exciting but it's also very very lonely. I didn't think I'd miss home so much but I do and I think about it everyday though I really am enjoying myself over here. There's a lot I have to say but I think this is the best way to put it right now. Thank you guys for reading and waiting on me for a while. I'm back though. And hopefully better.


在国家 I often felt alone
I was surrounded by so much love
That it suffocated me and I never knew
How to feel

在国家 I found a group of people
Who make being far away unbearable
I miss them a lot.

在国家 I was a part of something
Even if I didn't realize it at the time
It's lonely here
And as much as I would like to
I admit that I miss home

在国家 I was somebody
And here I am no one
I know it's up to me to change that
And I'm definitely up for the challenge
That doesn't make it easy though

在国家I know they miss me too
They tell me everyday
And that helps a lot
Social Networks are a bitch by the way

I've never felt so alone
I've never felt so strange
I've never felt so new
I've never felt so foreign.

你是哪国人？
I freeze because I don't know what to say
I'm from the place where the clear skies make your day
And the rain makes you happy and sad all at the same time
The sands feel like home and the sea your comfort
The sun is your best friend and worst enemy but you love it
The people are too friendly sometimes but that's okay
Where pleasure is the preferred method of payment
Laughter's a close second.
Where I buried the best man to ever be in my life
And found the one that was just a month too late
Where I found a boy who I'd do anything for
And a girl who's innocence makes me smile
Another who shows me unconditional support
And one who makes me laugh no matter what mood I'm in
And another who knows my soul for what it is.
But then I just smile and answer.
我是巴巴多斯人。

Two Shots

      The doorbell was ringing. It took all my strength to make my way to the door, my lethargy being at its highest. The ringing continued until I was right before the door with my hand outstretched to turn the handle and then it stopped. I hesitated for a second before shrugging and opened it. And there it was. A simple cardboard box. One of those ones you see in offices where you assembled them yourself. White and completely void of any writing or print. I frowned not remembering having ordered anything in the past couple of weeks; even months. I bent over and lifted it then quickly let it fall. It was heavier than I had estimated.  I steadied myself and tried again grunting over the strain of the weight. I used my foot to open up the door a little more so I could get through and carried the heavy box to the dining room table. Setting it down I moved back to close the front door. The telephone rang 6 times before it went to voicemail. “Hey it’s me. Haven’t heard you in a while and I’m just checking in...so...yeah. Give me call when you can. Bye!” The television was still on and the laugh track on the obnoxious sitcom was loud in my ears. Same day. Same sequence. I was getting real tired of doing this every day. Only the box was different. Oh right, the box. I moved to the kitchen and found a knife to cut it open then went into the dining room. It was pretty big. Large enough to hold a gaming console or a designer bag none of which I had purchased. I frowned again and started to cut it open, folding the flaps back.

    Dark, bare, smooth, shiny, stiff, cold. It was a boy. He looked to be about 4 or 5 which would explain why he so easily fit inside. He was positioned how I imagine a fetus lies in its mother’s womb; with his knees tucked up to his chest and his hands curled under his chin. His eyes were closed and his lips slightly apart. He could’ve been asleep except for the fact that he wasn’t.  Skin so clean and unmarked that I almost thought he was a doll. No being could be this perfect. I stared into the box for minutes before I moved, arms shaking I lifted him. My eyes traced his little face tenderly and I could feel warmth originating from the soles of my feet, touching every corner of my body. Love. I already loved him. I walked with him through the dining room to the stairs which would take me to the Treasure Room. I climbed the stairs feeling every groove beneath my feet, skin tingling with anticipation. Good thing I always forgot to shut the door.

   I loved the Treasure Room because there were all sorts of…prizes. And I was sure he would love being in the Treasure Room too. Just like all the other good boys. I gently placed him on the fluffy carpet, face up and set next to him holding his hand. We spoke for hours. About his favorite toys and his best friends; which teacher gave him trouble at school and if he liked firemen; whether Superman or Batman would win in a battle; if he knew what real love was. His laugh clenched my heart and stirred something deep in my stomach. His skin was cool to the touch and I felt him tremble as my fingers got lower. I took everything off. First my shirt, then my pants, then my underwear. All the while his eyes were closed and he exhaled and inhaled quickly in pleasant anticipation. He was so lovely. We played for a long time. Doctor has always been one of my favorites. His on the other hand, was Mommy and Daddy. And then I carried him to the bed and put him down gently before climbing in myself. I turned him so he faced me but his eyes were still closed. I guess he was just enjoying the moment. I pulled him to me and wrapped my arms around him. He fit snugly into my arms as if he was designed especially for me and then I realized.

He was a gift.
For the first time in months I smiled.
God’s son had returned.

The Color Wheel

If all the world was blue and gold
Far as the eye could see
I'd travel in a pirate ship
With hopes you'd follow me
If all the world was grey and white
And the sea(like crystal)clear
I'd search its very jungles whole
In hopes I'd find you there

If all the world was red and black
Like fire burning bright
I'd find a way to dim it down
You'd be my only light
If all the world was green and brown
With trees on every street
I'd spend my day composing songs
To lay before your feet

If all the world was bottled up
In glass of colors five
I'd shatter it and set you free
To keep you safe;alive
And when the Empire crumbles to the floor
And the world reveals its core
The colors will all disappear;
And you'll find me there

Standing beside you.It's just you and me.

Sirens

Countless "One Days"and "Once upon a times"
There isn't one I haven't read
But my story is different;
No fairy tales
Just a nightmare instead

The boy in black was no more
The boy in white was re-birthed
I made it my mission to save him
So his body I unearthed

He sat in my room all day
Lying next to me at night
He never says anything
Like he's given up the fight
But "One day" he spoke
And his voice was real clear
A god-like machine
There was no emotion there

"The world is a square so it's easy to cut corners,
Everyone's the same except all those damn foreigners,
The pretty girls are whores; the ugly ones aren't any better,
Boys will fuck anyone just depends on who's wetter.
Demons are contraband and Angels don't exist,
Luci and God? Make believe to govern those who resist,
Sex isn't everything;but it's pretty good though
It's the only thing I really missed when I was living down below"

When he was finished I realized my mistake
The boy in black was right all along
The boy in white was a fake
No savior,no answer,
No reassurance for my mind
He sat staring off with a faraway smile.
I rescued a poltergeist
A Nybbas, A Pretas, A Leonard;
One Death and Seven Death love me.

He used to love me.
He never loved me.
His self-love led to self-loathing
And I was exactly the same.

TM O TM

I feel his eyes on my breasts from beneath the sheets
My bedroom window is open so he can watch me
Mother disapproves of what we do in the dark
But I always remember her being a morning person
The days are too long and the nights too short
I'd spend everyday enveloped in his beauty if I could
I'm happiest when he's on top and I'm looking
In his eyes,at his handsome face
My favorite picture is of him on the lake
The fish,the plants,the water nymphs,the water itself
Nothing compares to his presence and glory
His hair is the color of mercury;his skin is like cream
Dal,Mahina,Alkina,Maan
A world traveler he goes by many different names
I call him Astennu:my knowledge,my serenity,mine.
He gives me love and in return I give him praise
We are equals...why would you take him from me?
You will kill him one day with your pollutant presence
And my body will feel light without him on top
I will waste away for my love has been cut short
But we would be together again in the spirit world
Noom.

Survival Guide: Dealing With Loneliness

In this age of technology where most of us are becoming a lot more closed off from the world;where we hide behind our computer keys and social media screen names,it's very easy to become lonely.It's not uncommon to be in a room full of people or be surrounded by friends and still feel like you're alone.Loneliness is an emotion,a state of being really,that can greatly affect our lives and how we view the world.There's a reason that loneliness is often connected to depression.Some people live their lives never having felt the need to be around people.But most of us and some point or the other,crave human companionship.

Loneliness can be a tricky thing to handle because some of us might not even realize we're lonely.Sometimes it takes seeing other people with their friends or loved ones to open your eyes and show you that something is missing from your existence.And just taken a random person to hang out with doesn't always fix the problem of loneliness because sometimes it's something medical(in which case you need a doctor and/or therapist).But there are ways that we can deal with it:

1)Hang out with people
   If you're lonely, the obvious thing would be to connect with others.Maybe you're lonely because you're not comfortable with the circle you're currently in.Get in touch with that friend you lost touch of in school or try to make some new friends.Join a club or start a hobby that includes groups to help you out.

2)Talk about it
    Whether it's to a parent,a sibling or some kind of professional,as cliche as it sounds talking about things really helps.Your loneliness may stem from an implicit occurrence that happened to you, like a friend moving away or the death of someone close.If that's the case you won't be able to fix it until you get to the root of the problem and the only way to do that is to talk it out.

3)Get a pet
   For some people it's hard bonding with other human beings.Sometimes it's hard figuring out what to say and what not to say.But that doesn't mean you still don't want someone to come home to or tell your troubles to.It's nice having someone to feed off your enthusiasm or get excited when you come home from school or work even if it is just a cat or dog.Think of it as practice for working up to a real,live human being.

4)Get a hobby
   It could just be something as simple as reading a book to something more detailed like learning a language or scuba-diving.A big part of loneliness is having too much time on your hands to sit and think about the fact that you don't have anyone around.It's easier to forget your problems when you have something fun or interesting to do and occupy your time.Who knows?You might really like it and start to forget about being lonely.

So those are just a couple ways I thought up(and use on occasion) to deal with loneliness.I hope they help you as much as I want them to.There are a lot of different things you can do but these will only work if you really put effort and time into them. They don't always work right away or on their own.Sometimes you have to use a whole bunch of methods until you get over your loneliness.But you can do it.

For Giriboy: May I Be Half As Dope

I've always felt like I'm the one who's different
Never cared much for what they'd say
"A rebel without a cause"
"Like a singer without a song"
I could tell you were exactly like them
Arrogance was the only thing you knew
I couldn't help but like you though
Can't remember why this was so

What I liked about you's disappearing
I don't think that you can get it back
It feels like you're another genre
And I'm Hip Hop under attack
No longer feels like we're the same
It no longer feels as if we match
I guess you're just another genre
And I'm Hip Hop under attack

Only so far we can go
Before we destroy the both of us
I thought that together we would grow
Why can't that be?
I guess we are just too different "baby"
I've always liked the fact that
I was different
But meeting you was
Quite the difference
Meeting you was destiny
That much I know
If you still want me
Then let it show