Childish

Little person in a big world
How is it that you survive?
Was learning meant to be so hard?
Or does it come natural, being alive?

The strength to go on
Seems out of my grasp
And the ability to reason
Is leaving me fast

Little person in a big world
How long does it take?
What happens in the end?
Can we really change fate?

I've been running from mine
Was that the right thing to do?
I heard monsters are beside me
Is that even true?

Little person in a big world
I've been away for a long time
I can't remember most things
Loneliness should be a crime

Glass doors all around
So it's impossible to hide
But I keep my eyes closed
And it weakens my stride

Little person in a big world
It seems you just disappeared
My existence is backwards
I guess that's why I'm called weird

You left a lot unanswered
I hope your stay here was good
Maybe next time you'll do more
I know I wish I could......

But it's too late.

Pay Attention

                     Monster,
               How should I feel?
               Creatures lie here,
            Looking through my window.

It's 6 pm and outside is already covered in darkness.
You smile as he takes your hand and pulls you close. You spent 3 hours talking in his car, just the two of you. About anything. About everything. You invite him in when it got too dark to see. Your parents aren't home so you're about to have a good time. He's sitting on your bed looking at the pictures on the wall.
Your history.
You close the door not noticing that it doesn't shut all the way in. He holds out his hand to you and you take it. Your stomach acts unnaturally and you can't quite understand why your knees feel so weak. You watch his tongue as it dances across his bottom lip. Suddenly you're aroused. Your hand moves towards his chest as his roam your body. You're feeling good right? Take your clothes off. The next step is the best. Before you realise they're lying on the floor and he's on top of you. You close your eyes as his lips touch yours and the shaking in your knees begins to subside. Your heart races faster as his voice permeates your entire being and you cease to understand anything but his touch. You've never felt this way before. Every move he makes brings you closer and closer to that moment. To the greatest feeling you'll ever know in the entirety of your life. And just when you're about to reach the height of your existence she walks in with the redness in her eyes and the metal in her hands.
You're history.
She aims it at your heart and pulls. The last thing you see is her face; not his. You die never having experienced that ultimate pleasure. She smiles as she watches the light leave your eyes and he screams with your blood on his face. He's still buried deep inside of you.

"I hate you both."

Knowledge

I once met a boy in a black coat
Everything he did was good and pure
Everything he did was sanctioned
The gods chose him above all others

I once met a boy in a white coat.
He was the image of life itself
He was also chosen by the gods
His purpose was unclear

The boy in the white coat taught me many things.
How to breathe, how to eat, how to sleep. How to survive.
I learned that roses hurt if you get too close
And sad songs are sadder when you're alone.
Dreams are irrelevant unless they have meaning
And knives feel sharper against the skin.

The boy in the white coat showed me things I had never seen before.
What the birds did in their nests
What the owls said at night.
What happens when a tree falls
How the bees made their honey.
Pale skin against a dark one
All the wonders of the world.

The boy in the black coat was mad. One day he took the boy in the white coat away and came back alone. I asked him about it and he never responded.

I had a dream from the gods today
It was about the boy in the white coat
His purpose had been fulfilled
Because now I know.
About the birds and the bees
And the roses and the trees
About life.
I know now.

Kanyeah

       If you're a rap head like I am you probably know Kanye West. Actually if you're not a rap head you still probably know Kanye West. As Kim Kardashian's "baby daddy" and the paparazzi's mortal enemy, Kanye is quite the celebrity. Kanye is many things. Some good and some bad. But one thing I think everyone should learn from Kanye is Kanye's confidence. It's funny because everyone thinks Kanye is really a cocky asshole and I have to admit Kanye does come across as such pretty much all the time. But why shouldn't Kanye be? I mean this guy Kanye has proven that Kanye is just as good as Kanye says. Every promise artistically Kanye's made, Kanye has delivered so why not proclaim how good Kanye is?
   I do admit Kanye's methods are a bit unorthodox. Okay a lot unorthodox. But you can't fault Kanye's reasoning. I find that as human beings we like to down play our talents so we can fit in with everyone else or so others don't get jealous of us but that's so wrong. If you've worked hard all your life and made it big you should be able to be proud of yourself without someone calling you arrogant or cocky. And you know what's funny? It's the people whose talent isn't as good or who are bullshitting their way through life that like to take over the spotlight and proclaim that they're the best. We would let the Gucci Mane's of the world prosper before allowing Kanye West to claim his right. It's sad that society is teaching us that it's better just to keep your talent to yourself or be mediocre rather than praise those who are brilliant at what they do. Instead we should push everyone to feel great and have pride in whatever talent they have.
    Maybe I'm a little biased because I love Kanye but personally if I made as much money as Kanye did and was as big as Kanye is I wouldn't give two flying fucks what people thought. I'd KNOW that I was that good. And that's not condoning Kanye being violent towards people or belittling others because I believe it's wrong but I'm all for Kanye's pride in Kanye's work. It's like Kendrick saying he's the King of New York. Why can't he be? He's fast proving himself to be one of the great rappers of our generation. If he feels that way then kudos to him. It's up to everyone else to prove him wrong IF he is.
   I'm not even sure why I'm writing all of this except it's been a subject that I've felt strongly about for as long as I can remember. I think it has to do with my family. We're all pretty arrogant in our own right ha! But that kind of thinking has helped me so much over the years. Whenever for even a split second I believed someone who said I wasn't smart enough or good enough or even pretty enough, that pride I have automatically kicks in and I say fuck it. I am. And sometimes it doesn't work out to my favor but at least I showed them that I'm not scared of words. I can do whatever the hell I WANT to do. So thanks Kanye for having all the answers (ooo KanyexSway reference) and I hope I made some sense to you. (No I actually don't care)

One Shot

(1st One Shot of many to come. Experimentation of sorts. Thanks for reading!)   
 

    There was something wrong with that girl. No sound was heard until you felt her breath on your neck and turned to see her smile. Her long black hair covered her eyes and her yellow-stained teeth made your skin crawl. She was always alone until one day she was not. They appeared like three henchmen, always two steps behind her. They never spoke and didn't seem to ever eat or drink. She controlled them but only because that's what they wanted. A heaviness surrounded her and the air was stifling beside them all. No one could penetrate their circle, at least not on purpose.
     No one knew where she came from and no one was brave enough to ask her. She lived alone. Her parents walked out on her a long time ago. At least that's what everyone thought. They didn't know. About the night daddy first came into her room. About the nights that followed. The beatings mommy gave her for "telling lies". No one knew what she had to do. No one knew what I had to do. How I took the knife to their necks while they laid sleeping in each other's arms. How mommy's eyes rolled back when she saw what I did to daddy next to her. How I smiled seeing the look in her eyes.
     Lous, Light and Lived saved me; cleaned the blood and dumped the bodies. They took care of me and still take care of me. Even as I'm stuck here between the living and the dead they protect me from the spirits of the unfortunate. I like being here. It's warm and cozy and I have lots of friends. They understand me and never make fun. And I have one person to thank for bringing me here and making me feel welcomed.
Hello Saetun.

Damages

You fascinate me
You speak with your soul and not your lips
I am drawn to you in a way which
They would not approve
Almost perverse
The way my mind responds to yours

The darkness they run from is what I admire
The recognition of one just like me
Acceptance and solace
I can have one or the other
But I won't settle for less than both
I feel it with you

I'm content to just be there
Tell me everything about you, that's enough
Like the sun your rays are harmful
But necessary for survival
If I look straight at you I'll go blind
So I always keep my head down

I go unnoticed but that's fine
It's better this way
Perfection and destruction
Ride a fine line
And I'm too much of a coward
To destroy you

Walk, Don't Run

It's a new year. The first day of the year always seems so clean and fresh like the first page in a new notebook or a new pair of shoes. Filled with infinite possibilities and opportunities, you can't help but feel a little anxious and excited about what the year is going to hold.

But if I've learned anything from last year or the years in front for that matter, is that no matter what you think is going to happen, life is gonna shit on all your hopes, dreams and goals. You have a plan? Better have a back up because life is as such that some part of it isn't going to go the way you planned.

So now that you've heard my first doom and gloom prediction of the year; some advice. Take your time this year. Spend some hours catching up with a friend you haven't seen in a while. Stay home a weekend and watch reruns with mom or dad. Take your little sister and brother to the beach or park for some sibling bonding. Don't be so quick to run; walk a little.This year will be rough financially. Some of our parents and friends might inevitably lose jobs. If you live in Barbados like I do and you're at uni, fees are going up. This year proves to hold a lot negative things so to combat that try your hardest to relax and give thanks for the little positives you have or will have. If you do that, when the bad things come at you it'll be a lot easier to handle them.

So here's to the new year and all the good and bad that it holds. Do your best and live life as best as you can. That's really all any of us can ask of ourselves...

I'm weird. I get that alot.

You Owe Me

You don't want me?
But you called me.
I've been watching you
Stalking you even
I placed the seed but you made it easy
A willing participant

You asked me to help you
And I did
I nursed you and gave you hope
False as it may have been
But you have only yourself to blame

You didn't want me to leave
Not really
I gave you the key and showed you the door
But you never took those steps
Instead you clung to me
And begged me to let you stay
So I did
It's funny
Isn't it?

You know it. I know it.
I'm the best thing that happened to you
I am your present
I am your future
There's nothing you could do but accept it
But you didn't
Choosing to run you fell
It wasn't my place to catch you

I killed you.
I did.
But that was the trade off
Your life for my support?
I gave you the chance you needed
And you let it slip away
So I watched you slip away
There's no time for quitters
But I made you happy if even for a while
The smiles, the laugh
That was all me
You can't deny it
You can't live without me so you have to go
And I have to move on
So as your eyes close I invite her in
The next one.

Survival Guide: New Year's Eve and Single

So all your friends are making plans for New Year's Eve (or Old Year's for us Caribbean folk) and are excited about the countdown reaching one and that glorious moment when they get to lock lips with "bae". It's annoying. I know. Being single around this time of year can be really a bummer especially if all your friends are not and ESPECIALLY especially if you're usually the one with the significant other. Being the only one by yourself when everyone is snuggled up in pairs sucks (believe me I know) but there are ways to get through this couple night, out-shadowed only by Valentine's Day, unscathed and having fun.

*Have other single friends? Grab 'em and hang out as much as possible together. Stick in a group and have some laughs. Make fun of all the partnered up people and pretend like you all don't care all while being bitter inside. There's nothing better than being around people who understand the struggle.

*Don't mind being alone? Respectfully decline that dinner or house party. Try hitting a new spot you've never been to. It's a good way to experience something new and see some unfamiliar faces. Who knows? You might even snag your own someone by the end of the night (amiright? :D )

*If you're not up to rubbing shoulders with others why not stay at home? Curl up in front of the television or laptop and watch your favorite movie with a nice glass of something liquored and some treats. You're guaranteed to feel good cause you're already doing something you like and you avoid those awkward pity looks you get when you're the third wheel...or fifth...or seventh...

*Avoid couple hangouts. Beach limes? With all that cold sea breeze you know the "Here babe let me warm you up" scenario is going to pop up sooner or later and as they say; hugging leads to raging sex (okay maybe they don't say that). Dinners? Even worse than limes cause you're stuck at the table watching people feed each other until the meal is over and you can wave your hand saying "Cheque please!" Try an office party or even family gathering. Someone's bound to make a fool of themselves and make everyone laugh (just make sure you're not the one lying down pretending to swim in a puddle of alcohol).


So those are some helpful tips for all you people out there (like myself) who will be partnerless and lonely for New Year's Eve. No one wants to be the odd one out. Simple human nature. But remember not having a boyfriend/girlfriend isn't any reason for you to not enjoy yourself and get pumped for a brand new year to begin so sit back, relax and toast to a new year (and hopefully a new partner v_v ).

The Boardwalk is definitely one of this island's selling points

Makes you okay with living here lol Fun day today :)

Handle Yourself

If there's one thing I've learned in the past year is that I'm the only person I can really, truly rely on. That doesn't mean that my parents and my family and my friends wouldn't do everything in their power to help me but at the end of the day no one will want the best for me and will stay by me like how I will. I am my greatest ally and I can also be my worst enemy. Stop blaming everyone for your failures and praise yourself for your achievements. No one is stopping you from winning at life except for yourself. And I know there are some people out there who will make it their personal mission to see that you don't succeed because no matter what you do there's always going to be that one person who just doesn't like you for one reason or another but that's when you have to focus your energy and decide for you that you're going to show those people that they can't touch you; they can't stop you from gaining what's your birthright.

I believe that everyone is placed here for a reason. It's up to you to decide whether or not you're going to figure out your purpose and if you're going to pursue it. I'm pretty passionate about a lot of things and over the years I've had to give up some of my interests because of family matters and other things. At first I used to blame my parents, my teachers, this person and that person for, in the typical teenage way, "ruining my life". Then my mother sat me down one day and said enough is enough, "You're young. Right now you don't have the authority to do whatever you want but there will come a time when that is. Either you plan for that time and make up your mind to tackle all the things you couldn't before or forget about them and move on with life. Either way you have to stop blaming everyone because you decide for you." That has stayed with me for a very long time and I don't think I'll ever forget it. I try my hardest to live by that now and there are somethings I've decided for myself that I will pursue until death and then they're some I've decided weren't worth keeping up. Will I regret my decisions? I probably will. But that's all a part of growing up and I've come to realize you can't run from regrets. You have to acknowledge them and do better next time,try harder next time.

So if you don't take anything away from this post at least take this. There is absolutely NO ONE stopping you from achieving the things you want to achieve. It is true that you will not get everything in life you want because that's just the nature of our existence. We're faced everyday with disappointments. But taking responsibility for yourself and trying as hard as you can will decide whether 10 years,40 years down the road you can sit back and tell yourself "Job well done/ I did the best I could" or if you'll be tossing and turning at night thinking "Maybe I should have/What if?". Which one will you choose?