Foreign

I haven't written in such a long time that I feel somewhat hesitant about the way I'm about to word this so I apologize in advance if this isn't like my regular stuff. But just keep with me for a while. Some of you might or might not know I about a month ago I moved half way across the world to study in China. I've never ever before traveled so far and on my own nonetheless. Everything here is so new and exciting but it's also very very lonely. I didn't think I'd miss home so much but I do and I think about it everyday though I really am enjoying myself over here. There's a lot I have to say but I think this is the best way to put it right now. Thank you guys for reading and waiting on me for a while. I'm back though. And hopefully better.


在国家 I often felt alone
I was surrounded by so much love
That it suffocated me and I never knew
How to feel

在国家 I found a group of people
Who make being far away unbearable
I miss them a lot.

在国家 I was a part of something
Even if I didn't realize it at the time
It's lonely here
And as much as I would like to
I admit that I miss home

在国家 I was somebody
And here I am no one
I know it's up to me to change that
And I'm definitely up for the challenge
That doesn't make it easy though

在国家I know they miss me too
They tell me everyday
And that helps a lot
Social Networks are a bitch by the way

I've never felt so alone
I've never felt so strange
I've never felt so new
I've never felt so foreign.

你是哪国人？
I freeze because I don't know what to say
I'm from the place where the clear skies make your day
And the rain makes you happy and sad all at the same time
The sands feel like home and the sea your comfort
The sun is your best friend and worst enemy but you love it
The people are too friendly sometimes but that's okay
Where pleasure is the preferred method of payment
Laughter's a close second.
Where I buried the best man to ever be in my life
And found the one that was just a month too late
Where I found a boy who I'd do anything for
And a girl who's innocence makes me smile
Another who shows me unconditional support
And one who makes me laugh no matter what mood I'm in
And another who knows my soul for what it is.
But then I just smile and answer.
我是巴巴多斯人。

Two Shots

      The doorbell was ringing. It took all my strength to make my way to the door, my lethargy being at its highest. The ringing continued until I was right before the door with my hand outstretched to turn the handle and then it stopped. I hesitated for a second before shrugging and opened it. And there it was. A simple cardboard box. One of those ones you see in offices where you assembled them yourself. White and completely void of any writing or print. I frowned not remembering having ordered anything in the past couple of weeks; even months. I bent over and lifted it then quickly let it fall. It was heavier than I had estimated.  I steadied myself and tried again grunting over the strain of the weight. I used my foot to open up the door a little more so I could get through and carried the heavy box to the dining room table. Setting it down I moved back to close the front door. The telephone rang 6 times before it went to voicemail. “Hey it’s me. Haven’t heard you in a while and I’m just checking in...so...yeah. Give me call when you can. Bye!” The television was still on and the laugh track on the obnoxious sitcom was loud in my ears. Same day. Same sequence. I was getting real tired of doing this every day. Only the box was different. Oh right, the box. I moved to the kitchen and found a knife to cut it open then went into the dining room. It was pretty big. Large enough to hold a gaming console or a designer bag none of which I had purchased. I frowned again and started to cut it open, folding the flaps back.

    Dark, bare, smooth, shiny, stiff, cold. It was a boy. He looked to be about 4 or 5 which would explain why he so easily fit inside. He was positioned how I imagine a fetus lies in its mother’s womb; with his knees tucked up to his chest and his hands curled under his chin. His eyes were closed and his lips slightly apart. He could’ve been asleep except for the fact that he wasn’t.  Skin so clean and unmarked that I almost thought he was a doll. No being could be this perfect. I stared into the box for minutes before I moved, arms shaking I lifted him. My eyes traced his little face tenderly and I could feel warmth originating from the soles of my feet, touching every corner of my body. Love. I already loved him. I walked with him through the dining room to the stairs which would take me to the Treasure Room. I climbed the stairs feeling every groove beneath my feet, skin tingling with anticipation. Good thing I always forgot to shut the door.

   I loved the Treasure Room because there were all sorts of…prizes. And I was sure he would love being in the Treasure Room too. Just like all the other good boys. I gently placed him on the fluffy carpet, face up and set next to him holding his hand. We spoke for hours. About his favorite toys and his best friends; which teacher gave him trouble at school and if he liked firemen; whether Superman or Batman would win in a battle; if he knew what real love was. His laugh clenched my heart and stirred something deep in my stomach. His skin was cool to the touch and I felt him tremble as my fingers got lower. I took everything off. First my shirt, then my pants, then my underwear. All the while his eyes were closed and he exhaled and inhaled quickly in pleasant anticipation. He was so lovely. We played for a long time. Doctor has always been one of my favorites. His on the other hand, was Mommy and Daddy. And then I carried him to the bed and put him down gently before climbing in myself. I turned him so he faced me but his eyes were still closed. I guess he was just enjoying the moment. I pulled him to me and wrapped my arms around him. He fit snugly into my arms as if he was designed especially for me and then I realized.

He was a gift.
For the first time in months I smiled.
God’s son had returned.

The Color Wheel

If all the world was blue and gold
Far as the eye could see
I'd travel in a pirate ship
With hopes you'd follow me
If all the world was grey and white
And the sea(like crystal)clear
I'd search its very jungles whole
In hopes I'd find you there

If all the world was red and black
Like fire burning bright
I'd find a way to dim it down
You'd be my only light
If all the world was green and brown
With trees on every street
I'd spend my day composing songs
To lay before your feet

If all the world was bottled up
In glass of colors five
I'd shatter it and set you free
To keep you safe;alive
And when the Empire crumbles to the floor
And the world reveals its core
The colors will all disappear;
And you'll find me there

Standing beside you.It's just you and me.

Sirens

Countless "One Days"and "Once upon a times"
There isn't one I haven't read
But my story is different;
No fairy tales
Just a nightmare instead

The boy in black was no more
The boy in white was re-birthed
I made it my mission to save him
So his body I unearthed

He sat in my room all day
Lying next to me at night
He never says anything
Like he's given up the fight
But "One day" he spoke
And his voice was real clear
A god-like machine
There was no emotion there

"The world is a square so it's easy to cut corners,
Everyone's the same except all those damn foreigners,
The pretty girls are whores; the ugly ones aren't any better,
Boys will fuck anyone just depends on who's wetter.
Demons are contraband and Angels don't exist,
Luci and God? Make believe to govern those who resist,
Sex isn't everything;but it's pretty good though
It's the only thing I really missed when I was living down below"

When he was finished I realized my mistake
The boy in black was right all along
The boy in white was a fake
No savior,no answer,
No reassurance for my mind
He sat staring off with a faraway smile.
I rescued a poltergeist
A Nybbas, A Pretas, A Leonard;
One Death and Seven Death love me.

He used to love me.
He never loved me.
His self-love led to self-loathing
And I was exactly the same.

TM O TM

I feel his eyes on my breasts from beneath the sheets
My bedroom window is open so he can watch me
Mother disapproves of what we do in the dark
But I always remember her being a morning person
The days are too long and the nights too short
I'd spend everyday enveloped in his beauty if I could
I'm happiest when he's on top and I'm looking
In his eyes,at his handsome face
My favorite picture is of him on the lake
The fish,the plants,the water nymphs,the water itself
Nothing compares to his presence and glory
His hair is the color of mercury;his skin is like cream
Dal,Mahina,Alkina,Maan
A world traveler he goes by many different names
I call him Astennu:my knowledge,my serenity,mine.
He gives me love and in return I give him praise
We are equals...why would you take him from me?
You will kill him one day with your pollutant presence
And my body will feel light without him on top
I will waste away for my love has been cut short
But we would be together again in the spirit world
Noom.

Survival Guide: Dealing With Loneliness

In this age of technology where most of us are becoming a lot more closed off from the world;where we hide behind our computer keys and social media screen names,it's very easy to become lonely.It's not uncommon to be in a room full of people or be surrounded by friends and still feel like you're alone.Loneliness is an emotion,a state of being really,that can greatly affect our lives and how we view the world.There's a reason that loneliness is often connected to depression.Some people live their lives never having felt the need to be around people.But most of us and some point or the other,crave human companionship.

Loneliness can be a tricky thing to handle because some of us might not even realize we're lonely.Sometimes it takes seeing other people with their friends or loved ones to open your eyes and show you that something is missing from your existence.And just taken a random person to hang out with doesn't always fix the problem of loneliness because sometimes it's something medical(in which case you need a doctor and/or therapist).But there are ways that we can deal with it:

1)Hang out with people
   If you're lonely, the obvious thing would be to connect with others.Maybe you're lonely because you're not comfortable with the circle you're currently in.Get in touch with that friend you lost touch of in school or try to make some new friends.Join a club or start a hobby that includes groups to help you out.

2)Talk about it
    Whether it's to a parent,a sibling or some kind of professional,as cliche as it sounds talking about things really helps.Your loneliness may stem from an implicit occurrence that happened to you, like a friend moving away or the death of someone close.If that's the case you won't be able to fix it until you get to the root of the problem and the only way to do that is to talk it out.

3)Get a pet
   For some people it's hard bonding with other human beings.Sometimes it's hard figuring out what to say and what not to say.But that doesn't mean you still don't want someone to come home to or tell your troubles to.It's nice having someone to feed off your enthusiasm or get excited when you come home from school or work even if it is just a cat or dog.Think of it as practice for working up to a real,live human being.

4)Get a hobby
   It could just be something as simple as reading a book to something more detailed like learning a language or scuba-diving.A big part of loneliness is having too much time on your hands to sit and think about the fact that you don't have anyone around.It's easier to forget your problems when you have something fun or interesting to do and occupy your time.Who knows?You might really like it and start to forget about being lonely.

So those are just a couple ways I thought up(and use on occasion) to deal with loneliness.I hope they help you as much as I want them to.There are a lot of different things you can do but these will only work if you really put effort and time into them. They don't always work right away or on their own.Sometimes you have to use a whole bunch of methods until you get over your loneliness.But you can do it.

For Giriboy: May I Be Half As Dope

I've always felt like I'm the one who's different
Never cared much for what they'd say
"A rebel without a cause"
"Like a singer without a song"
I could tell you were exactly like them
Arrogance was the only thing you knew
I couldn't help but like you though
Can't remember why this was so

What I liked about you's disappearing
I don't think that you can get it back
It feels like you're another genre
And I'm Hip Hop under attack
No longer feels like we're the same
It no longer feels as if we match
I guess you're just another genre
And I'm Hip Hop under attack

Only so far we can go
Before we destroy the both of us
I thought that together we would grow
Why can't that be?
I guess we are just too different "baby"
I've always liked the fact that
I was different
But meeting you was
Quite the difference
Meeting you was destiny
That much I know
If you still want me
Then let it show

Swim Good

Hotel Room
Ocean View
Swim Good....


    Sitting high in her tower she dreams. Through the opened window overlooking the sea, she watches the ships sail. Sometimes leaving, sometimes coming but always filled with possibilities. The Lady was her favorite. It wasn't the biggest boat and it wasn't the prettiest but there was something about it. No matter how many times she watched it come and go she could never realise what it was until that day. He was new to the crew. He noticed her one day looking out of her tower window. "Who is that? In the window?" he would ask everyone around him and they would just smile. For a week he stared at the window; every night until he finally got the courage to approach it. Deep breath. Here we go now. Over the pier. Almost there now. He was surprised to see no entrance into the tower. Frowning he decided to call to her. "Ahoy up there!" She looked outside and saw him, trying to hold onto his sailor cap as the night air blew fiercely. Tilting her head she frowned not knowing why he was there. "Hullo, isn't there a way to get inside?" She smiled sadly and shook her head, then looked past him into the night. "What are you looking at?" He looked back trying to see what it was she saw but could only make out the black velvet of the night. What a strange girl. Since he couldn't seem to get a word out of her, he decided to find a way into the tower. He took a walk all around the structure, even tapping its walls just in case there was some sort of secret passage but came up empty. After a few hours, dejected and tired, he decided to call it quits for the night. It's so dark. I'll come back tomorrow when it's light and maybe I'll see something I missed! With that thought giving him hope, he went back around to her window and waved at her with a smile then made his way back to the ship.

Good. He's gone. I thought he would never leave. "Nathaniel,he seems like a good boy." Boys are never good my dear. And besides, you know if Luke ever sees him he'll be in danger. Do you remember what happened to the other one? "You're right as always. But I'm tired of being alone. I like this one." If you like him you'll stay away. For both your sakes.
   
    The next day the sailor was at it again. He slipped out during the afternoon while all his fellow shipmates were having lunch and made his way across the pier to the tower. "Hello inside~ It's me again." He waited under her window until he saw her solemnly leaned her head out. She tilted it at him and frowned. "Are you quite sure there's no way in?" She shrugged non-committal, and went back inside. I guess I'm doing this on my own then. For three days he went back to the tower in search of a way in. Each time he tried to get her to speak and each day she refused to. Each day he he got more and more determined to get to her. On the fourth day he carried with him a rope and some stones. Tying a stone to the end of the rope he threw thee rope toward the window until he finally got it in. She ran to the window and leaned out with wide eyes when the rope flew into her room. He grinned up at her and saluted. "Can you find something to tie it onto?" She nodded slowly, still wide eyed, then moved to tie the rope to the leg of her bed.
   
     What are you doing? Luke is going to be mad! "I can't live like this anymore Nathaniel. I'm going crazy inside of this place. I have to leave." Don't say I didn't warn you..She pulled on it to make sure it was really secure then ran back to the window. "Did you do it?" She nodded quickly. "Alright. I'll be back tonight and you can come down then okay?" She smiled down at him and he made his way back to the ship, happily awaiting the moment he would finally meet the strange girl in the tower. She paced and bit her nails all the while she waited for her sailor. Soon she fell asleep and before she knew it, night had fallen. She heard his happy whistle as he approached the tower and she prepared herself to leave. And where are you going? "Luke!..I..I'm leaving the tower. You can't keep me locked up in here forever." You're never leaving this tower as long as I have breath. I control you my dear. If you try to leave you know what will happen to you and your friend. Luke please. Don't be hasty now. Stay out of this Nathaniel. If you had let me punish her the last time like I wanted to we wouldn't be in this mess again. "Shut up! Both of you! I'm going and there's nothing anyone can do." You'll be sorry.   
    The happy sailor finally got to the tower and called out to the girl in the tower. He grinned when he saw her peeked out of the window. "Are you scared?" She bit her lip and nodded. "It's okay. I won't let anything bad happen." She glanced back into the room then squared her shoulders and began to climb down the rope. Her heart beat rapidly as she made her way down, then finally her feet touched the ground for the first time. She turned around, finally able to meet him face to face. "You're even more beautiful than I could see from up there." He reached out and stroked her cheek, and she leaned into his touch closing her eyes and pausing for a few moments. "I'm happy you came for me." His eyes widened. "You...talk?" She smiled, her eyes still closed then she slowly opened them and he was afraid. "Are you ready to leave here forever? With me?" She grabbed his hand earnestly. "Y-Yes. I am." "Then let's go."
   
Luke. Luke what did you do? Don't worry Nathaniel. She won't be disobeying us anymore. And that sailor won't give us any more trouble. Luke...I have a bad feeling. What did you do? Don't worry. It's all taken care of.

There's an old legend in a small little fishing town where there's an old tower. They say when the moon rests behind the clouds and the night turns to velvet black, that the screams of a young girl can be heard down by the sea. And if you look very closely you will see the body of a young man in a sailor suit. His body half beneath the surface of the water. 

Beautiful
Ocean View
Swim Good....

To Whom It May Concern

There are things that come quite natural to me
Like curling my tongue or crossing my eyes
And others seem always out of reach
My fingers only look white because
They've been put against my dark skin
And Simon says I'm very smart
That glowing commendation makes me happy
But my mouth tastes of bitterness
My hips mean nothing
My ass means nothing
My legs mean nothing
My smile means nothing
Only my words mean something and what they do to you
Blinded?
You must be.
I'm so tired all the time dear
Be good. Be brave. Be there.
I'm getting too old for this bullshit
I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never have a turn
But act like you care goddammit
I'm sorry. This must be hard for you.
One day I hope you'll understand why I had to do this.
Have to do this.
It's just...it's been on my mind for a while now
And this is the reasonable thing
Smart girls. Isn't that what you told me?
It's necessary. You'll get it one day.
So forgive me.
It seems I'm going to have to kill you both before I leave here.

MEHTEVAS

If you've ever had that person in your life that you wanted to save then this one's for you. Human beings always have this tendency to want to pick someone up and try to change them. Boys will be attracted to a girl because she wore shorts and they always saw her legs and then expect her to just magically change and start wearing long skirts because they're together. And girls will choose the pretty boy because he's attractive but then be perplexed when all the other girls try to get at him. It's pretty silly when you think about it.

People can't, and more often than not, will not change overnight. It's just not in a our makeup. So it baffles me a lot when people attempt to change someone even if it is for the better or for their own good. It's kind of useless because that person won't ever change until they make a conscious decision on their own to do just that. It's a hard pill to swallow especially if you love the person whether it's a parent, child, boyfriend, girlfriend or even just a friend. The only thing we can really do is assess the situation and decide whether the traits we don't especially like about the other person are enough to make us leave them forever.

Maybe there's a savior complex in all of us and it just takes a certain person(s) to unleash it. Or maybe love just makes us so blind that at first we're dazzled by everything the person does until we get further in the relationship (whatever kind of relationship it is) and all the things that made us love them become annoying and overbearing. Whatever it is, sooner or later we have to realize that we just can't save someone. Not unless they want to be saved. The reality is the more you try to "save" them and change them, the further you'll push them away. And if you love the person enough to want to save them, then that in itself is just not worth it.

The Grotto

"Run away, Runaway."

Shipwrecked on this island I encountered a pirate whose ways were as crooked as his smile.
Beware beware screamed the voices in my head, but he got to me first.

I spent my days exploring the island with him; seeing caves and exotic creatures; trees so tall my neck strained to encompass them all; rivers that flowed to eternity. We drank from the Spring of Desire and ate fruit from the Garden of Sin. And at night, he kissed me where no other man had ever been so I returned his affections with everything I possessed.
Beware Beware screamed the voices in my head, but he got to me first.

One day we found an underground grotto. It spanned the length of the entire island. He held out his hand to help me down. The voices in my head grew quiet. It was dark and eerie underneath the earth but the pirate was right by my side. My hands ran over the walls which felt like rough tongues and smelled like cotton candy. I looked up at his face and saw the darkness that wasn't the grotto. For the very first time in my life I was afraid. A feeling that took a hold of me and rendered me thoughtless unable to see or hear the life around me. I was afraid; but he held my hand. Beware Beware screamed the voices in my head but he got to me first.

We continued our way further until suddenly everything was illuminated and I was momentarily blinded. I felt like  I was falling when in reality both my feet were planted solidly on the ground. And then he appeared. The Earth Demon was never seen but always heard. Ruler of everything on the island; the Supreme Cosmic Power. He greeted my pirate as if they were old friends. They joked and laughed in a language I couldn't quite understand. I was invisible. Beware Beware screamed the voices in my head, but he got to me first.

Eventually they took notice and I was introduced. The Earth Demon studied me; eyes penetrating to my core and burning me from the inside out. I could feel the power he possessed and I was afraid. He circled me like an animal cornering his prey. I kept my eyes trained on the pirate. My personal solace. Suddenly he stopped and nodded. The pirate gave me a look so sincere,so happy that I couldn't help but smile in return. I made to step forward just so he could hold me in his arms like before but realized I couldn't move. I looked around in confusion and tried again to no avail. He tilted his head at me and waved just as something grabbed my leg. I screamed as the ground below us opened up and I felt myself being pulled beneath the earth. The voices in my head no longer screamed beware; they too were afraid. The wind whistled in my ears and my stomach hit the bottom way before I did. I could see him growing smaller and smaller as I fell and yet I strained my eyes trying to see him. My paradise. Suddenly I was upright and on my feet as strong arms lifted me and set me right,dusting off my clothes. 
"Right. Here we are. Take a look around. You're going to be here for a very...long time."

**Since I get so much request for my one shots to be continued I decided to do this little story. I'm not going to call it a short story because I'm not sure how far it will go on. I'll be updating it every week with a new episode of sorts. I'm open to suggestions of what you guys want to read here on my blog so don't be shy in hitting me up. The links are down below if you'll take my suggestion. Hope you enjoy it!**

http://twitter.com/LuckyNumberAlex
http://chasingallex.tumblr.com

Childish

Little person in a big world
How is it that you survive?
Was learning meant to be so hard?
Or does it come natural, being alive?

The strength to go on
Seems out of my grasp
And the ability to reason
Is leaving me fast

Little person in a big world
How long does it take?
What happens in the end?
Can we really change fate?

I've been running from mine
Was that the right thing to do?
I heard monsters are beside me
Is that even true?

Little person in a big world
I've been away for a long time
I can't remember most things
Loneliness should be a crime

Glass doors all around
So it's impossible to hide
But I keep my eyes closed
And it weakens my stride

Little person in a big world
It seems you just disappeared
My existence is backwards
I guess that's why I'm called weird

You left a lot unanswered
I hope your stay here was good
Maybe next time you'll do more
I know I wish I could......

But it's too late.

Pay Attention

                     Monster,
               How should I feel?
               Creatures lie here,
            Looking through my window.

It's 6 pm and outside is already covered in darkness.
You smile as he takes your hand and pulls you close. You spent 3 hours talking in his car, just the two of you. About anything. About everything. You invite him in when it got too dark to see. Your parents aren't home so you're about to have a good time. He's sitting on your bed looking at the pictures on the wall.
Your history.
You close the door not noticing that it doesn't shut all the way in. He holds out his hand to you and you take it. Your stomach acts unnaturally and you can't quite understand why your knees feel so weak. You watch his tongue as it dances across his bottom lip. Suddenly you're aroused. Your hand moves towards his chest as his roam your body. You're feeling good right? Take your clothes off. The next step is the best. Before you realise they're lying on the floor and he's on top of you. You close your eyes as his lips touch yours and the shaking in your knees begins to subside. Your heart races faster as his voice permeates your entire being and you cease to understand anything but his touch. You've never felt this way before. Every move he makes brings you closer and closer to that moment. To the greatest feeling you'll ever know in the entirety of your life. And just when you're about to reach the height of your existence she walks in with the redness in her eyes and the metal in her hands.
You're history.
She aims it at your heart and pulls. The last thing you see is her face; not his. You die never having experienced that ultimate pleasure. She smiles as she watches the light leave your eyes and he screams with your blood on his face. He's still buried deep inside of you.

"I hate you both."

Knowledge

I once met a boy in a black coat
Everything he did was good and pure
Everything he did was sanctioned
The gods chose him above all others

I once met a boy in a white coat.
He was the image of life itself
He was also chosen by the gods
His purpose was unclear

The boy in the white coat taught me many things.
How to breathe, how to eat, how to sleep. How to survive.
I learned that roses hurt if you get too close
And sad songs are sadder when you're alone.
Dreams are irrelevant unless they have meaning
And knives feel sharper against the skin.

The boy in the white coat showed me things I had never seen before.
What the birds did in their nests
What the owls said at night.
What happens when a tree falls
How the bees made their honey.
Pale skin against a dark one
All the wonders of the world.

The boy in the black coat was mad. One day he took the boy in the white coat away and came back alone. I asked him about it and he never responded.

I had a dream from the gods today
It was about the boy in the white coat
His purpose had been fulfilled
Because now I know.
About the birds and the bees
And the roses and the trees
About life.
I know now.

Kanyeah

       If you're a rap head like I am you probably know Kanye West. Actually if you're not a rap head you still probably know Kanye West. As Kim Kardashian's "baby daddy" and the paparazzi's mortal enemy, Kanye is quite the celebrity. Kanye is many things. Some good and some bad. But one thing I think everyone should learn from Kanye is Kanye's confidence. It's funny because everyone thinks Kanye is really a cocky asshole and I have to admit Kanye does come across as such pretty much all the time. But why shouldn't Kanye be? I mean this guy Kanye has proven that Kanye is just as good as Kanye says. Every promise artistically Kanye's made, Kanye has delivered so why not proclaim how good Kanye is?
   I do admit Kanye's methods are a bit unorthodox. Okay a lot unorthodox. But you can't fault Kanye's reasoning. I find that as human beings we like to down play our talents so we can fit in with everyone else or so others don't get jealous of us but that's so wrong. If you've worked hard all your life and made it big you should be able to be proud of yourself without someone calling you arrogant or cocky. And you know what's funny? It's the people whose talent isn't as good or who are bullshitting their way through life that like to take over the spotlight and proclaim that they're the best. We would let the Gucci Mane's of the world prosper before allowing Kanye West to claim his right. It's sad that society is teaching us that it's better just to keep your talent to yourself or be mediocre rather than praise those who are brilliant at what they do. Instead we should push everyone to feel great and have pride in whatever talent they have.
    Maybe I'm a little biased because I love Kanye but personally if I made as much money as Kanye did and was as big as Kanye is I wouldn't give two flying fucks what people thought. I'd KNOW that I was that good. And that's not condoning Kanye being violent towards people or belittling others because I believe it's wrong but I'm all for Kanye's pride in Kanye's work. It's like Kendrick saying he's the King of New York. Why can't he be? He's fast proving himself to be one of the great rappers of our generation. If he feels that way then kudos to him. It's up to everyone else to prove him wrong IF he is.
   I'm not even sure why I'm writing all of this except it's been a subject that I've felt strongly about for as long as I can remember. I think it has to do with my family. We're all pretty arrogant in our own right ha! But that kind of thinking has helped me so much over the years. Whenever for even a split second I believed someone who said I wasn't smart enough or good enough or even pretty enough, that pride I have automatically kicks in and I say fuck it. I am. And sometimes it doesn't work out to my favor but at least I showed them that I'm not scared of words. I can do whatever the hell I WANT to do. So thanks Kanye for having all the answers (ooo KanyexSway reference) and I hope I made some sense to you. (No I actually don't care)

One Shot

(1st One Shot of many to come. Experimentation of sorts. Thanks for reading!)   
 

    There was something wrong with that girl. No sound was heard until you felt her breath on your neck and turned to see her smile. Her long black hair covered her eyes and her yellow-stained teeth made your skin crawl. She was always alone until one day she was not. They appeared like three henchmen, always two steps behind her. They never spoke and didn't seem to ever eat or drink. She controlled them but only because that's what they wanted. A heaviness surrounded her and the air was stifling beside them all. No one could penetrate their circle, at least not on purpose.
     No one knew where she came from and no one was brave enough to ask her. She lived alone. Her parents walked out on her a long time ago. At least that's what everyone thought. They didn't know. About the night daddy first came into her room. About the nights that followed. The beatings mommy gave her for "telling lies". No one knew what she had to do. No one knew what I had to do. How I took the knife to their necks while they laid sleeping in each other's arms. How mommy's eyes rolled back when she saw what I did to daddy next to her. How I smiled seeing the look in her eyes.
     Lous, Light and Lived saved me; cleaned the blood and dumped the bodies. They took care of me and still take care of me. Even as I'm stuck here between the living and the dead they protect me from the spirits of the unfortunate. I like being here. It's warm and cozy and I have lots of friends. They understand me and never make fun. And I have one person to thank for bringing me here and making me feel welcomed.
Hello Saetun.

Damages

You fascinate me
You speak with your soul and not your lips
I am drawn to you in a way which
They would not approve
Almost perverse
The way my mind responds to yours

The darkness they run from is what I admire
The recognition of one just like me
Acceptance and solace
I can have one or the other
But I won't settle for less than both
I feel it with you

I'm content to just be there
Tell me everything about you, that's enough
Like the sun your rays are harmful
But necessary for survival
If I look straight at you I'll go blind
So I always keep my head down

I go unnoticed but that's fine
It's better this way
Perfection and destruction
Ride a fine line
And I'm too much of a coward
To destroy you

Walk, Don't Run

It's a new year. The first day of the year always seems so clean and fresh like the first page in a new notebook or a new pair of shoes. Filled with infinite possibilities and opportunities, you can't help but feel a little anxious and excited about what the year is going to hold.

But if I've learned anything from last year or the years in front for that matter, is that no matter what you think is going to happen, life is gonna shit on all your hopes, dreams and goals. You have a plan? Better have a back up because life is as such that some part of it isn't going to go the way you planned.

So now that you've heard my first doom and gloom prediction of the year; some advice. Take your time this year. Spend some hours catching up with a friend you haven't seen in a while. Stay home a weekend and watch reruns with mom or dad. Take your little sister and brother to the beach or park for some sibling bonding. Don't be so quick to run; walk a little.This year will be rough financially. Some of our parents and friends might inevitably lose jobs. If you live in Barbados like I do and you're at uni, fees are going up. This year proves to hold a lot negative things so to combat that try your hardest to relax and give thanks for the little positives you have or will have. If you do that, when the bad things come at you it'll be a lot easier to handle them.

So here's to the new year and all the good and bad that it holds. Do your best and live life as best as you can. That's really all any of us can ask of ourselves...

I'm weird. I get that alot.