Ordinary Love Shit

When you're a teenager or young adult one of the things that seems to define you is your interaction with those of the opposite sex. If you had too many girlfriends, if you had too little boyfriends, if you're a virgin, if you're not.  My personality dictates that I can only truly open up to those who I've known for a certain amount of time or who I feel a deep connection with so I've never been that girl who found talking to boys that easy. That and the obvious fact that I'm not the type of girl boys seem to like that much lol

Like most girls I do crave affection and someone to be with but at the same time I'm not that great at compromising and I do admit to being a bit of a narcissist. I like knowing that I have control over all the situations I'm in and when I don't I get lost. Even in my friendships I'm learning everyday how to be there for people and how not to be as crude as I wish I could be with some. So finding the right person to be my boyfriend is proving to be difficult.

So I decided this year that I wasn't going to try to look. I'd focus on school and writing and what ever happens happens. For a while that was working and I was happy (and don't get me wrong I'm still pretty happy) but I'd be lying if I didn't say it was easier when none of my friends didn't have boyfriends or boys who they're "talking to". It does kinda hurt when everyone is out on dates and I'm left at home on the internet watching scary movies alone but that's beside the point. I guess my point is... what do we really want?

Some days I'm great by myself and I'm like fuck relationships then some days I'm whiny and keep saying I want one. Is that just me or is that human nature? Theoretically  I have everything I could get from a relationship. I almost always have company since my friends and I are so close. I get affection from my family and close friends so I don't feel unloved. My writing has been going pretty well so it's not feeling underachieved. What then is my emotions craving? It's hard to figure it out and a part of me wonders if I should even try to figure it out.  Being this young is hard man.